Wife has left and filed for divorce

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My wife and I have been married for eight years and have two sons, ages seven and four. We have always had a tumultuous marriage. I used to have very bad jealousy about my wife's past and would make her feel guilty about the things she had done. I also have had a terrible temper where I've yelled, screamed (sometimes in her face), thrown things, etc. One time I accidentally hit her when punching the bed. I have also been controlling, have tracked her whereabouts via her iPhone, and have even made her feel bad about spending time with her family sometimes (I did this because she would stay out until 3 AM with her sister, for example, without letting me know where she was, so I felt that her sister was a bad influence on her). In short, I've realized I've been quite emotionally abusive to my wife.

My wife, in turn, has been very emotionally neglectful and disrespectful. When trying to talk with her, she would totally shut down, which used to spark my temper. She has also been sarcastic and rude and self-centered.

We both have had emotional affairs (more on my side) and mine went physical one time (no sex).

She's moved out in the past a couple of times and has threatened divorce a couple of times as well. But we always seemed to make it through.

With all this said, we have also had many very good and happy and loving times. I do believe the good times have outweighed the bad times; however, I also know that the ratio wasn't good enough between the good and bad. But we've had a lot of fun raising the boys, going on trips, have had great sex, etc.

Last week my wife left with our sons and moved in with her parents. I received a Temporary Order of Protection at my office stating I couldn't have any contact with any of them until the hearing date on 10/27 which was then moved to 11/3. I also found out my wife filed for divorce.

In the Order of Protection, my wife stated that I had recently drug her down the stairs, threw her out of the house, followed her to her parents' house and made her come back home. This is in reference to a situation about 2.5 months ago when she lied to my face and I kicked her out of the house. I did not drag her down the stairs violently (I may have pulled her down on her butt step by step like a child). I did not throw her out of the house. I did not follow her or make her come home. Rather, I found her at her parents' house after being concerned about her and she told me she wanted to come home and to start over.

So her leaving took me completely by surprise and has devastated me. I had thought that the last two months, despite a couple of bad times, were going very well. Even my counselor mentioned that he had seen me making good, positive improvements in controlling my temper and anger. I was at a loss as to why she left because I haven't lost my temper the way I used to (yelling, screaming, throwing things) for a long time. In fact, my wife was the one who most recently screamed and threw something at me.

Her leaving has been a giant wake-up call to me and after much soul searching I realized how deeply I've hurt her over the years with my temper, my criticisms, my demeaning and mean words, name-calling, etc. I'm a Christian, and so I also realized that all these years when I've tried changing myself, controlling my wife and my family (with good intentions), and trying to fix my marriage were futile. I realized only God can do these things through me, and so I've given myself up to Him to remake me. The nice side-effect of this is that all my anger I've had towards my wife has simply vanished, and now I long so much for reconciliation, not just for my sake, but for my boys' sake.

I have a lawyer, of course, who was able to get me visitation with my boys for three hours (monitored by my wife's aunt) on 10/25. I see this as a good sign since I'm now able to visit with my boys before the hearing date. Also, according to my lawyer, my wife may be willing to drop the Order based on how this weekend goes. This past weekend, I also ran into my mother-in-law who said my wife is basically broken and is already in counseling. She also stated that my wife doesn't want to fight in court and will probably drop the Order--all she wants is peace. She told me matter-of-factly that right now my wife is focusing on getting healthy and happy again, and that things will probably continue going as they are towards divorce, but that even divorce doesn't mean it's the end. She suggested I write letters.

How can I save this marriage? I just got The Divorce Remedy and have already done one session with a Divorce Busting coach. I am totally committed to reconciliation because I finally realize how badly I've treated my wife whom I truly love, and I wish for the boys to grow up in a happy home with two loving parents.

Can a marriage saved after a wife feels so hurt and terrified (her sister said she feels terrified) from years of emotional abuse? Can the kind of marriage I just described above be saved? I feel so awful about all of this.

Thanks for your help. Please let me know if I have given too many details.