Let's try this again

[Zues126]

This reminds me of the story where a man travelled for hundreds of miles by foot to see the Buddha. When he got there he told Buddha about all of his problems. He asked the Buddha for advise. The Buddha simply shrugged and said: "you've listed for me 86 different problems. I cannot help you with any of them." The man was incredulous and asked what good it was to be enlightened. Buddha told him he could help with the 87th problem. When the guy asked what the 87th problem was the Buddha answered "you have the desire to be free of problems".

T0, all of this is real legit. I mean, I think if I was in your place I'd feel some of those feelings forever. And not only are they pain points that make you wonder if he even comprehends how deeply he wounded you, there is the legitimate concern about what the future holds.

But great job just posting it here. All I can think is that there is no solution. This is your R now. It consists of some joy and some heartache. If your H had t come back and you'd found a new man, your life would again consist of some joy and some heartache. Same if you were single. And guess what- even if your H hadn't left the first time, you STILL wouldn't had wounds caused by him that felt as deep relatively, that made you feel misunderstood or unappreciated at times, etc. And he certainly can't live a life in courting mode now any more than if he had never walked.

So I think this is one of those problems you don't really solve, you just kind of accept. I think you should go alone to IC, that's a good idea. See if IC thinks it would be good to know how this feels to you. Not to bring it up again and again, but because he is your H and should know your heart in a safe setting. But see what IC says.

As for H, beyond chasing you in the beginning, what changes has he made in the R from before BD? I know us LBS's are much different, and I personally feel prepared for things I never could've handled before. If my STBX and I were back together she would see a different person and have confidence that I had new tools, skills, etc. can you say that about your H?

Just curious. Please keep posting. You are both an inspiration that its possible and a reality check that it isn't easy.