Claire it sounds like you're in a really difficult place right now. I agree with Jefe, don't read too much into all of these things, it'll keep you spinning.

Take care of you.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss