OK so you quit your "addiction". Bravo. That takes a lot of courage and self-sacrifice. If this the THE issue, a lot of the tension should resolve itself.
But do you see how unbalanced this is? It's about YOU fixing it. YOU not being fun for your wife. YOU changing. She hasn't owned up to her small contribution (maybe 1-2%) to your current crisis: her affair. She feels entitled to have an affair because you were less than an ideal husband. And she feels compelled to lie about it even though you know.
Some say in Divorce Busting that you need to pave a smooth road home. In other words, not many demands, no judgement, no accusations, no backing anyone into a corner. You change, you become a better husband, you remove the objections your spouse had to remaining in the marriage, and they come back.
OK. Good so far. What happens when they come back? Where does the rebuilding begin? How does it begin?
Some DB-ers on this forum have paved such a smooth road home that their cheating spouses (those that actually admitted to it) never really demonstrated remorse or really grasped how much damage they did. Their new and improved spouse, fresh from 180's, GAL-ing, therapy, etc is actually the better option than the affair partner. Sure. Who wouldn't want a better OPTION? The operative word here is option. They say don't make anyone a priority who makes you an option. How do you get from being the better option to being her husband for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health? That's the real hard work.
I think you realize it's not just about your wife "re-committing" to the marriage (which often really means, she recommitting to you as long as you are a better option). It's also about your wife admitting the affair and doing the hard work of bearing your burdens and your pain that will enable true forgiveness and reconciliation to take place.
On a personal note, my wife ended her affair (or rather, the OM ended it for her), but never admitted it was wrong. She never asked for forgiveness and never expressed remorse. She didn't even want to talk about it in couples therapy. She felt she was being "judged". She said outright, "My affair wasn't wrong." We couldn't have real reconciliation without it. She said she wanted a strong marriage, but felt an affair was a justifiable option if you weren't "feeling it". Sure she "re-committed" to the marriage, but it was clear I didn't matter all that much to her. Needless to say she became a WAW again and started with OM #2. We are now divorced. I paved too smooth a path for her. Simply put: she wasn't sorry AND she never really came to the conclusion that destroying a family is a bad thing just so that you can feel more romantically alive with someone. Perhaps some people CAN'T be sorry. Those folks might indeed have some form of narcissism operating.
There are people in the DB boards who will poo-poo this position. You might hear, "Would you rather be right or be married?" You can't have a marriage without truth, honesty, integrity and a basic moral compass.
I can suggest two resources that might help.
There's a great book by Janis Spring called How Can I Forgive You? Her argument is that true forgiveness is a shared process if you want reconciliation. She says acceptance is where the hurt person bears the whole burden of the process alone. It helps you move on, but it doesn't seek to reconcile. Forgiveness is where the person who hurt you (or cheated on you) actively shares the process and owns up to their actions. Great book.
Also for a great snapshot of what real remorse looks like, I suggest the article, Real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse? at the Chump Lady Website. It's under the reconciliation section. It's similar to MWD's advice to people who have cheated -- they need to BEND OVER BACKWARDS to really rebuild trust and show remorse. Maybe not right now. But soon enough. If you make their return TOO easy, they will not value you.
