However, I agree with you about her denial of the A. I am struggling now with how I want to deal with that. I have a call with my DB coach later this week to discuss this. I don't want my stance to be "I know about the A, you know I know, but you need to admit to it and show absolute remorse if we are to work on the M" b/c I know this will back my W into a corner. And it also could be perceived as me saying "you are the person is wrong not me."
Shodan, I think you're viewing this wrong. Your position should be "Look, if we're going to remain in this marriage and work on it together, we need to come to it from a position of total honesty and transparency with each other. I've owned my mistakes, and what I'm doing to change them, but you have not. To continue to look right at me and tell me you never had an affair, when we BOTH know that you did, makes me unable to believe your current promise of 'whatever that was, it's all over now and I want to work on the marriage.' This can't just be all me here."
Theoden brings up many strong, compelling things to think about it, as he always does when he pops by here. I hope you'll think long and hard about them.
Setting aside the whole "remorse" and "admitting the affair" thing for a moment, I want to bring up a third thing that I think is even more important than those two, and that is this: Do you think your wife has shown the proper introspection that would indicate to you that she even "gets it" in terms of how inappropriate her response to your two's marital problems was (decision to have an affair), and how destructive it is to your family?
That "introspection" piece, to me, is the "1(b)" that goes with the "1(a)" of remorse. Unless and until your wife "does her own work" on why she nearly (and still may) carpet-bomb her marriage and her family because her husband was moody and did too many hours per week of martial arts, I don't think it's in your best interests to try and reconcile irrespective her continued contact with OM.
