Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo

[shodan]

Theoden, thank you for the feedback. You definitely make some valid points. I do not believe that I am "niceing" my W back into our M. I have been very firm about my stance on the A. but you are correct, my W has not admitted to the A.

Do I think she is still in the A? No, I do not. Do I believe that my W is committed to our M 100%? No, she is not committed 100%.

But as I reflect on her comments, I have realized that one of the biggest sources of discontent for us was my involvement in martial arts. I was practicing 6-7 hrs per week (included time spent teaching it). Not only was I away from home 2-3 nights per week, but the work of balancing my work, my family and martial arts caused me to be super anxious and stressed, which made life not fun for my W. Since I quit martial arts back in June, my W and my kids have noticed a huge change in me. I am more fun and more relaxed. I am enjoying the day to day more.

I make this point b/c you mentioned that I will slip back into my old ways. I totally agree that I will not be "perfect" but I also do not plan to go back to martial arts. I know this was my achilles heal. My analogy is an addict. I quit my addiction and as long as I don't go back to it, my life will be forever changed.

Finally, I have been very firm that she needs to commit to the M or we need to D. I have met with multiple attorneys and two divorce mediators. She knows that I am serious. She too has commented that she knows a D will devastate our kids. She does not want it either.

However, I agree with you about her denial of the A. I am struggling now with how I want to deal with that. I have a call with my DB coach later this week to discuss this. I don't want my stance to be "I know about the A, you know I know, but you need to admit to it and show absolute remorse if we are to work on the M" b/c I know this will back my W into a corner. And it also could be perceived as me saying "you are the person is wrong not me." Please note that this is not my reacting to how my W has been these past several months, but how she has been since the beginning of our relationship. She is super stubborn. She needs to come to the conclusion on her own that she should tell me and that she needs to earn back my trust. She knows trust is a big concern of mine.

Again, thank you for the feedback. Please do not consider my thoughts as objections to your comments.