Dynamic of a family revised

[AJM]

To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.

Um, no your family wasn't replaced. He walked away from your family. He walked away from his family. Why? <shrug> Who knows? I doubt even he does. He died along with the relationship he ended. He's somebody else, because the person you knew wouldn't do that to you. You wouldn't have married him if he was. He changed at some point.

You can accept each thing individually. It may be easier that way. Like untangling Christmas lights. But you can also accept all of it in its entirety. When you get the focus right. When you see things for how they are vs. how they were thought to be.

OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves.

Isn't that what life is all about? Love your neighbor as yourself?

Bc HWW tried to hook up with this girls boyfriend!

Doesn't that tell you something?? Two messed up people that fall into that trap and they are having a family together!?? Ask yourself - do you really want somebody like either of them in your life? I mean, really??

I suggest that the finality of it is not in his power. Sure he started the ball rolling, but it seems to me that you're the one in the position to finalize the relationship. He hasn't taken that from you. He hasn't taken much from you of value except the life you thought you were going to live. What are you really grieving in the scheme of things? The loss of the expectations you had? The lack of a reconciliation (not a relationship - that's different)?

Part of our hurt is that of course we take it personally as the worst possible rejection. But the truth is that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with your husband's lack of character and his insecurities.

BINGO!!

But the more you hold onto all the bad feelings, the more they get control of you. Dont give them one more ounce, M. Not one more.

Double bingo!!!!

We will all be leaving on xh's b-day. Which, considering it's Halloween, we have always made a night of it. I always wanted it to be special for the kids, but special for xh, too! So we had our traditions for the day. So glad we will be all out of town!

Good. New family traditions are a wonderful idea. And good for all involved - your family!

Keep steppin', Mighty. Keep steppin' You're working through this and starting to verbalize the various feelings. Know what? That's a first step in getting them to no longer be mountains. Just stepping stones once you get your perspective straightened out properly.

In the end, I think the anger is something you need. Some of it. Just don't let it go on too long. And make it appropriate. The ow? She's not worth the time of day. She has her own agenda (obviously) and your ex is the one that fell into that trap. Good luck to them both but it's not what I think you're really angry about. Do you? Or is it the other things mentioned above?

A quick note on forgiveness. Forgiveness to me, means you forgive the other person the debt. They did x, and you *could* do y but choose not to. Along the way, you let go of the pain by making that conscious choice. The pain of x diminishes (not fast enough I know) and although you don't let it happen again with that person, you forgive them. Harder if they don't want forgiveness (mine doesn't; seemed odd at first) but it's not really about them. It's really just their actions and your actions. You choose your actions, even without explanation. In fact, forgiveness often defies explanation. He doesn't deserve it, but you need to give it anyway. That's your ticket to freedom, my dear. And it's worth it. You deserve it.

AJ