Bumping to say thank you all for the support and to keep it coming. It's that mind of day. I don't mind being an attention sponge. Seriously, it helps to know that I only did what I had too and a panel of experts agree.
I figured out why I'm so timid with conflict. I feel like I'm a big strong giant and I could easily hurt someone if I lost my temper. The fact is that I am an extremely successful person in competition. I play world class pool (and very high level poker, chess, cribbage, backgammon, etc). In my sales career the most successful sales people I've worked with have told me I'm the best they've ever worked with, and I've backed that up with a dominant track record. I've been given some gifts and with it an intensity level/focus/desire that I've only seen matched once or twice in my lifetime.
Point is, I'm used to running the world over. So in my personal relationships I try very, very hard not to do that. For example, my STBX was a SAHM and felt vulnerable because she didn't contribute financially, she felt like she didn't have the right to vote on financial priorities and rarely spoke up. My move was to deposit all the money into a joint account and leave her in charge of the finances entirely.
This type of thinking was flawed. It separated us so I worked and competed. She raised children and ran the household. I meant it to be generous and allow her to have what she wanted. But it deprived her of a partner to contribute. I was afraid of being too assertive, and as a result burdened her with more responsibility than she wanted. All because I wanted her to feel included, and to avoid just running her over.
I've learned that the opposite of controlling isn't being a rug, but to be collaberative. Going forward I am going to use my gifts to meet my needs, but to do so wih consideration for the needs of others and open to input. It's funny. I see myself as a leader, she may see me as a wimp. I'm going to allow myself to shine. Maybe she will see the true man I am at some point and grow to respect and admire that. Maybe not. But I'm no longer going to diminish myself and my gifts for fear I'll make others feel inferior or offended.
Tonight, however, I will use my gifts to curl up in a ball and suck my thumb
Last edited by Zues126; 10/28/1402:04 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
