It was a warm October night. The last of the summer crickets were singing their final notes before the long winter silence. In the orange of the Halloween porch lanterns she sits, laptop aglow, a glass of wine nearby, thoughts coming and going, contemplating how different her life is now - 1 year and 4 months post BD...
Hi DB'ers. I continue to be inspired by all of you. I read alot, haven't posted much. H shows up every week or 10 days, or so, to blow the leaves off the lawn, or cut it, or pick up his mail. Still don't know where his apartment is, but know the vicinity. That's good enough for now. He comes by last week, I make him stay and talk. He talks, cries some, talks some more. This man is in a deep depression and can't seem to get himself out. His biggest issue is that we never had children. This is THE issue that I, myself, been trying to accept for several years now. I feel I'm almost there, and have found a few ways to fill that empty space. He is stuck almost right where he was at BD, and still not in counseling. I finally asked him if he wanted the name of someone recommended to me, and he agreed. Of course, this is not the first time he has said he needs counseling - and then doesn't follow up. I know that HE knows he needs to go. I keep praying that he does - for his own sake. I can't stand to see him SO incredibly sad, feeling like he has no life purpose.
I am sad too, and have many regrets. But, as we all learn here, we fill up our lives with activities that make us happy. I think I've done a pretty good job of that in this past year. And every time I see H, I am reminded of how much work I've done, and that it has paid off.
Something new: I start a mentoring training program tomorrow, and will get matched with a child by the end of the year. I'm really looking forward to it. A result of more soul searching...
Anyway, I am so grateful for what I DO have, and H is SO focused on what he does NOT have in life. I refuse to join him in that place, however difficult life is sometimes. All I can do for him is pray. And I vow to do that every day for him, starting today. (Wow...could I really, finally be on the road to forgiveness??)
The pumpkin lantern cast its eerie shadow...an owl hoots in the trees...the crickets just keep singing while they still can...
(Ok, maybe all this contemplation is the afterglow of my Monday evening meditation class, and this weekend's meditation retreat??? Ha.)
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
