KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Thanks, all. The quote from labug is a good reminder. I do still feel like random "touches" or small talk is not enough for me right now. There needs to be some bigger things said and dealt with before we can get into a "getting to re-know each other" phase. And honestly, thinking about trying to talk to him makes me feel anxious and panic-y. I'm less stressed if I can pretend he doesn't exist. I wish there was a right or best answer for what to do, even though I know there isn't one...which is kind of funny because in my job I spend a lot of time telling people that there isn't a best or right choice or answer!

So this afternoon was tough. I used to ride a different bus before I moved, and I knew a neighbor who rode regularly/got off at the same stop and we'd chat. I ride a different bus now but it's really close to the old bus route/stops so it's not uncommon for people to interchange them, and for the first time since I left the neighbor was on my new bus. We ended up getting off at the same stop, and he asked about not seeing me in a while. To which I said "I actually moved, and ride this bus now." To which he said "oh...so... did your husband move with you?" and then I had to say we were separated. I thought I was past the point of getting teary or upset when telling people, but nope, apparently not. As soon as I got in the door I had a big ol' cryfest. I was not my best self, I did say something like "I don't really understand why, but if you see douchebag out in the yard you can ask him why!" Neighbor told me things were tough for him too, his wife had another miscarriage. I'm ashamed to admit that in my upset-ness I said "I'm sorry, that does suck. At least she's still here, though." Yep, pretty excellent conversational skills and empathy right there. Still cringing, don't need any 2x4's because I'm giving myself enough of my own. At least I acknowledged it sucked and I was sorry and wasn't a total jerk. Just a regular jerk. Ugh. I hope he can give me a mental pass given the circumstances.

Anyways, that all reminded me of all of the dreams and hopes that I lost when this all went down. In addition to a family and marriage I lost a house, a yard, a neighborhood, a pet, half of ten year's worth of mementos and household items and furniture. I think I may hate him now. I think it may be too late. I really don't think there's anything humanely possible he could do that would help me forgive him. I don't know that I have enough forgiveness in me to be able to do it. There are people out there that can, but I don't think I am one of them. I already struggle with holding grudges, this may just be too much.