Hey SS. I saw we had a mutual friend in Shining so I thought I'd stop by. Forgive me as I havent read all your threads.

I wanted to tell you what happened when I first got the bomb. I went to a therapist and I squeezed myself as far into the corner of her couch. I said, "My h wants to leave me and it is all my fault. I am a terrible wife. I dont blame him."

She looked at me and said, "Wow, you think you have that much power? You think that you could singlehandedly end a long time marriage all on your own?"

She was right. I didnt have that kind of power. There are two people in a marriage, S.

So, the important thing is to own only your own stuff. Leave him to his. In the beginning, we tend to take all the blame. Often its what we know to do.

Look at the things he has said carefully, and really determine which ones have merit. Work on changing those if you want to.

You have to make these changes for you, though, or he will see right through it. Trust me on that. You have to want to become the person you were meant to be.

I know that this all seems counterintuitive to what you think you should do. In your mind, letting him go means him going further away. But that isnt so.

Lovingly letting him go says that you hear him. You hear that he is unhappy and doesnt want to be married. You dont have to agree to it, but, you do have to hear it.

Because trying to hold on, causes him to want to run harder. Picture someone holding onto someones pants leg. They shake to get them off. The person holds on tighter and that causes them to want to shake harder and on and on it goes.

The way to honor your marriage is to allow him to walk this journey. That says that you love him so much you understand his need to do this. YOu want him to be happy and whole even if it means without you right now.

It means you put your marriage safely in a box for now. And then you begin your own journey.

I know you want to be with your daughter as much as you can. But remember you want to hear him. You want to give him space and time to work through what he needs to. He cant move forward, looking over his shoulder at you.

This isnt for the faint of heart. Its a marathon, not a sprint. So, its best to dig in and get to gettin.

I know its scary, the thought that you are going to detach. You want to hold on for fear he will go further away.

But this is what he needs to do right now.

This is an amazing opportunity for you to find you, to figure out who you want to be.

You will be ok, S. You just have to learn to believe in you.