The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Bright. GB, and kml... thanks for your support and comments.

Fearless? Heck yeah! If this didn't kill me... what's to fear?

Sometimes when I get down thinking about what might happen with my H from here on out I stop myself and think:
What can he possibly do to me that he hasn't done already?

The only thing left is-- Door #3: FINANCIAL DEVASTATION!!!

Which could happen.
On the other hand, it could happen even if we R. He could lose his job, insurance, one of us could become gravely ill.

There are no promises either way.

Today I made a chart. It included:
1. The Pros of sticking it out
2. The Cons of sticking it out
3. The Pros of leaving/divorcing
4. The Cons of leaving/divorcing.

That was for me.

I made another chart for H with the same quadrant.


Very interestingly, the Pros for me staying, (seeing the remodel done, living my dream) and the Cons for me going (maybe won't find another life partner, financial concerns) were mostly"What If" type things.
Fears and worries. Not reality.

My Pros for divorcing and the Cons for staying were all FACTS.
That I will no longer live in a disaster zone with all these animals, that H would have to change dramatically for this to work, that our age difference will be more of an issue. etc. He has health issues which will only worsen, he is who he is, he has serious emotional problems, this is a chaotic environment and we will need help to keep the place going in the not-too-distant future.

His chart was the exactly the opposite:

His cons for staying were based on his fears and problems. "She hates me."
His pros for divorcing were also based on "What ifs", like "What if she never forgives me? "What if we can't resolve things?"

And his pros for staying/cons for divorcing were the FACTS.

That there will be financial destruction, that the animals will have to go, that he won't be able to keep things up by himself, he'll never finish the remodel alone. That he will lose me as a friend and partner. That he will have to sell the house at a loss. That he will lose everything.

Of course, I'm not in his head, but I just put down any and all things he could possibly think. Including that "I'll find somebody better", "I won't have these 'problems' with the 'right' person", "So many other women want me..."

But again, those are "What ifs."

Weird, huh?

Anyhow, it showed me very clearly that the things I fear have already happened.
In many ways, I will be better off divorced if he is not willing to put in the effort, and he is unable to make some pretty dramatic changes for the long term. I do not want a marriage under current conditions. There is not much to recommend it.

What I valued most in H was his integrity and his desire to protect me.
His loyalty. His fidelity.
All those things are now GONE.
He would have to work to get them back. I'm not sure he will ever want to do that, and even if he does, how long could he sustain changes like these? Learning new coping skills, not keeping secrets, being vulnerable, committing to me and to a R.

Can he do it?

I don't know. He doesn't think so, he has said many times.

Blah, blah... I have a cold and I feel stupid today.

Just thinking out loud.

---(G)GGG