good to hear your voiceS - thanks for notes YOU GUYS are so nice and i'm glad to have your input and support. Beatrice - i couldn't find you in forum lists the other day- i hope you're doing okay. i feel like this should all be a distant (bad) memory by now.
i was just reading a little "inspirational" sort of paragraph in a book i have & like - it's saying we have to confront and acknowledge our emotions or they get bigger and bigger and more demanding for our attention. sheesh ! and here's me thinking i've got to quit knowing what i feel and get numb - better.
i know the last year or two have been the worst of my life and i should just chill and ride it thru. been trying- but then sometimes i think "cripes - get with the program, etc." everyone out there IN FORUM seem to be all sayin - "hey- i gotta live my life, i'm moving past this" and i just don't seem to be there (yet). or anywhere really.
when i think about "what to do next" - i don't have a stinkin clue what would be me "moving forward" in a positive way (life - plan wise) . that would be real or realistic anyuway. i can think of a couple total fantasy conclusions - very darn not likely to happen tho - wah wah.
this selling my mom's house and the shore house we've all gone to for alllllll our lives - feels alot like a giant - real life - "period" being put on my entire past life (63 yrs of who i am/was) . (or so it feels). sooo all of a sudden who i "am" isn't good enough for anyone around anymore. It served their purpose when "someone" had to do a particular job (mom,estate) but now - HA - i'm supposed to just walk out the door and BE SOMEONE NEW - just like that.
- i know it's a depressed sort of outlook- but I cannot escape knowing that linda and mother being dead (my closest family ) and h heading out (or whatever the heck he's doing) and the other three sisters feeling compelled to tell me just what they think of me - well, it seems mighty like end of the line, family wise. we (they) (see- i'm still thinking we're some sort of group- but everyone can't stand everyone else) have alot of anger in this family - what the heck is that alllll about? alot of delusion as well (1), alot of entitlement (3) - whew.... who are these women????
i think that (sadly) when the houses are sold and estate is "done" - i will not really bother looking up the youngest (most angry and emotionally uncontrolled) one. she and her husband were such hateful , jacka$$es - i find i don't want to be around them - at all - ever (so far). and the others - we communicate - but knowing what they've said and feel (about me ) and all this - well, makes it hard to capture any sort of warm fuzzy feelings. If i weerrn't close to their children - i doubt if i'd see them either. ccccrrrrreeeeeeeepy
it's sure a strange outcome for me, a person alllll- immersed in family and it being a huge part of who i am - one of these five sisters (dutiful daughter) ( charming?! companion & loverpie) . boy- things sure change
i can clearly see that h has reverted to his last working identity- young guy in college playing tennis, bsing with buddies and f'ing around - i don't have an alternate/ backup identity in the closet to just shake out and put on.
anyway - if i could feel less pressured by all this - and quit worrying about doing "the right thing" all the time - saying that out loud- i hear myself and gotta take a step back from that. nobody else is doing anything about anything- or helping- so i guess i need to tell self - alot more- that whatever i do will be fine. (so me- crowd pleaser - but these people are un-pleasable) i forget) i cannot seem to get my head around all that seems to need to be done with this house and emptying it - (resolution- i'll get three people out therer this week or next to tell me about buying contents ) that needs to be done in order to list it.
Work is good - keeps me distracted (hweading there in a few min.) - but aside from getting out of the house and doing stuff & keepin busy- i got nothin in there as far as "i always wanted to do ________ or i always wanted to try _______" , i do not have any "bucket list" and a bunch of stuff I "always wanted". i was always just plugging along pretty much happy and content.
i am having trouble (globally) in adjusting totally to being "not so happy". i guess that's just it. I even still feel grateful that i know it all could be a heck of alot worse - h could have chucked me out the window without a cent, demanded i pay him for house and i'd be struggling on top of everything else. Or, he could still be silent and rotten and reallly really cold and crappola (like beginning - before i found out really what was going on with him and ow). i mean, all that could still happen any day i guess, i don't think about it so much. determined to ride with whatever comes (fingers crossed) but hairy sometimes. i'd much rather have security (yeah, i know, me and the entire universe() -
I just don 't know anything about all this at the moment- and EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK is putting it lightly Beatrice. . but i like it- and i thank you guys for sayin what you have. like, that's soooo me- needing some "permission" from the outside world to feel what i feel. it sure is all undeniablly "there" - i can't ignore it.
I cannot see anything in the future to be honest . I find that distressing - i don't even know what i'd wish for if i could? i'm fully aware that i'm not "up to" dealing with anything in the world emotionally "new" - but then i remind myself that when you do something new or meet someone new - if you like it/them alot- it's easy and fun - not hard and scary.
keep a good thought huh? MIND YOU- i do not have desire to look, date, find a man, trust a man, etc. AT ALL - BUT LOOSELY i'd rather have someone in my life again someday - than not.
oh well- there's my well-defined plan for life - loosely regain happiness.
great huh? the plan? remain calm and try and not think bout it all - . okay, i'm outta here.
on a funny note- i slept in soft curlers cause my hair was wet last nite- it's soooo curlie whirlie i look like a giant insane mop - have it clipped back. what a head - this hair has been out of control my whole life- but this morning is a new frontier.
xxoo thanks so much hope you both have great days.