Hey guys. I know you are so right. I really get it. I am doing better and my thoughts are changing.
I am enjoying my new found *freedom*. I am finding myself and what I will or will not ever deal with. What I want. How I want to live. Whom I want in my life. I feel such inner progress.
I also feel much more clarity with what I am facing. Seeing *them* is going to su<k, but what makes it so difficult is this baby thing. I mean really. I can't explain the emotional toll that has taken on me. It is just a whole different level.
I can't even get into the dynamics of pain it causes on so many different levels. I don't want to see her pregnant. This girl who carried my husbands baby when I didn't even know she existed. She carried my husbands baby. While she made decisions about my husband and my marriage and my children. And he let her. Damn it. I can't explain what an invasion it is. He allowed this girl to make decisions about my marriage and my family. This is not mindreading; I know she had a say in how things went down.
Seeing her with this baby. I mean, I don't know guys. I just can't explain it. It will solidify him in a new family. It is killing my kids. I can't imagine. And this is what he chose to do. It is what she chose to do. How could he care about someone who would disrespect his family to this level.
OK- That is what pi$$es me off. This is what I am really struggling with.
To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.
So acceptance as to what is... that's where I am right now. Maybe once this baby is born, it will be easier. It will be difficult, but it will be. I need to realize that and move on.
The other part is being able to not let these unexpected situations get to me. Training.... I am in mental preparation. I am going to do this. I may teach a class in it someday. I will be an expert.
These two things, they may go hand-in-hand. These are my focus right now. Accepting that it is over and response self-training. I think they may be two of the more difficult things I will ever face. But, getting over this hurdle will free me. I know this. I've got this.
I cannot thank each of you enough. This is why I come here.
AJ, I'm steppin', baby! Thanks for always pushing me along.
Shining, you are amazing. You always know how to bring great energy and a smile.
Bright, my girl! I love those quotes. I'm so going to print them out. They were very helpful. Interesting that ow is like an addictive sources that keeps them "hooked." I could totally see that. Xh is very clingy, needy and attached. Probably why he is constantly texting at kids games, since she can't be there. Reading that was like, uuuugggghhhh... hes hooked! But I know that does not mean happy.
GB, you are an inspiration. I've got you on my radar... looking forward to see what my future brings through you experiences! Ha! And what the he11 is that move?!
kml, all I can say is that I like where your head is at. I love your humor.
uR, you are so compassionate and wonderful. Thank you for being so supportive.
OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves. And the amazing vets who have been through it and still give their time to help us through what they know, will probably be the most challenging (yet, dare I say, fruitful) experiences of our lives.
