To add to that - the next time you feel that anxiety come on, change the tape in your head. Take a breath and think to yourself, "Self - I'm not the one that made his choices. Why should I be the one to carry the burden of the anxiety when he is the one that made those choices? Am I carrying more than my fair share of the issues by doing that?"
Soldiers and athletes both do the same thing - they practice what they intend to do. They work on their mental perspective. The difference between a good athlete and a great athlete is between their ears. Same for soldiers.
Both view the world as it is vs. how it should be. Both practice action for a given situation. They get good rest and focus on their goals.
All of those things you can do. As it happens, the sooner that you start, the sooner that you get to that place.
It doesn't come naturally for most. It takes hard work. It takes relentless dedication to the goal. It takes courage to take that first step and keep on stepping. It takes knowing there is a goal and knowing you can reach it.
Set your expectations of your ex to zero. Set your mind to let him succeed or fail according to his own efforts. Set your mind to let those things that are, be. The rest will fall away as unimportant. With a little practice, it'll become normal to you.
Change the tapes playing in your head. Regain your perspective and regain your life, Mighty.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You've received some great advice. I know that it is exceptionally difficult watching your kids struggle and I hate that for you. Be the rock. The rational, sane, funny rock who isn't afraid to be silly and relish every moment with your kids.
Xh? What everyone says is spot on. Actions speak louder than words. Keep those expectations at zero and focus on what makes your life wonderful. Reset the tapes.
I'm cheering for you with big pom-poms AND one of the foam fingers. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hahaha...."Mohammed Ali with a car" As for the grocery shopping stuff.....is there only one store in your town? If not,then you might tell ex that you would appreciate it if they shop at the other grocery store. Or you just might practice your spitting skills so you can walk by her head held high then hock a loogie into her hair (ok, not appropriate I know but we can dream right?) Just remember if an encounter happens, YOU have no reason to hang your head in shame.
Hmmm....perhaps if you meet her, just shake your head and say "you poor thing" lol. After all, what's she got but a guy who is a cheater and stepkids who will never accept her.
Sweetie, you seem to think its not ok for you to regress sometimes and it so is. This doesnt happen in a straight line. You will go back and forth and up and around again. Until eventually you get to where you need to be.
Ok, so, here's what I want to say to you about seeing him and/or her. I think you are making it way bigger in your head. That's not to say that it wont sting some.
I want to tell you a story about my friend, TVS, from here. She was upset because she was going to see them at a work meeting.
I told her to walk in there with her head held high because she had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. She did. It was ok.
You have done nothing wrong. They cant shine your shoes. So, you keep that in your head and walk with confidence.
Ok, so, here's what happened when I knew I was going to see my xh and her.
They were sitting at a table. I just so happened to have been looking fine . I walked in, looked them both in the eye said hello with at-ti-tude and kept right on walking. I was told that both of their mouths were hanging open a bit. LOL!
The thing of it is that they didnt matter. They had no worth. They couldnt shine a candle to me, S. I had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. Them, not so much.
Dont give them all this power. Dont allow them to change who you are and how you live your life.
Nothing will happen to you if you see him or her. Absolutely nothing. As far as I was concerned, they were the ones who should be uncomfortable, not me.
I know that you get upset about what happens with your daughter. And as parents, we want to protect them and make things better for them. But that isnt real life. We cant fix everything.
Your daughter seems to have it together. She sees who he is. And its best to let them forge whatever relationship they do, as long as you dont do anything to cause harm to it.
Mighty, this is tough stuff. You are doing wonderfully. It's ok to have days when it gets to you. You just dont want to live there.
Hey guys. I know you are so right. I really get it. I am doing better and my thoughts are changing.
I am enjoying my new found *freedom*. I am finding myself and what I will or will not ever deal with. What I want. How I want to live. Whom I want in my life. I feel such inner progress.
I also feel much more clarity with what I am facing. Seeing *them* is going to su<k, but what makes it so difficult is this baby thing. I mean really. I can't explain the emotional toll that has taken on me. It is just a whole different level.
I can't even get into the dynamics of pain it causes on so many different levels. I don't want to see her pregnant. This girl who carried my husbands baby when I didn't even know she existed. She carried my husbands baby. While she made decisions about my husband and my marriage and my children. And he let her. Damn it. I can't explain what an invasion it is. He allowed this girl to make decisions about my marriage and my family. This is not mindreading; I know she had a say in how things went down.
Seeing her with this baby. I mean, I don't know guys. I just can't explain it. It will solidify him in a new family. It is killing my kids. I can't imagine. And this is what he chose to do. It is what she chose to do. How could he care about someone who would disrespect his family to this level.
OK- That is what pi$$es me off. This is what I am really struggling with.
To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.
So acceptance as to what is... that's where I am right now. Maybe once this baby is born, it will be easier. It will be difficult, but it will be. I need to realize that and move on.
The other part is being able to not let these unexpected situations get to me. Training.... I am in mental preparation. I am going to do this. I may teach a class in it someday. I will be an expert.
These two things, they may go hand-in-hand. These are my focus right now. Accepting that it is over and response self-training. I think they may be two of the more difficult things I will ever face. But, getting over this hurdle will free me. I know this. I've got this.
I cannot thank each of you enough. This is why I come here.
AJ, I'm steppin', baby! Thanks for always pushing me along.
Shining, you are amazing. You always know how to bring great energy and a smile.
Bright, my girl! I love those quotes. I'm so going to print them out. They were very helpful. Interesting that ow is like an addictive sources that keeps them "hooked." I could totally see that. Xh is very clingy, needy and attached. Probably why he is constantly texting at kids games, since she can't be there. Reading that was like, uuuugggghhhh... hes hooked! But I know that does not mean happy.
GB, you are an inspiration. I've got you on my radar... looking forward to see what my future brings through you experiences! Ha! And what the he11 is that move?!
kml, all I can say is that I like where your head is at. I love your humor.
uR, you are so compassionate and wonderful. Thank you for being so supportive.
OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves. And the amazing vets who have been through it and still give their time to help us through what they know, will probably be the most challenging (yet, dare I say, fruitful) experiences of our lives.
What you wrote, Mighty. The description of emotions you're dealing with and why...that's some good stuff. I'm so glad you got it out, and you were able to pinpoint certain things that would be or already are triggers. My heart breaks reading it. I'm so amazed by you. Whether you can see your strength yet or not, people here can. You are going to get through this. Your really are.
I don't think there is any way around it. Those emotions are going to be there. I have faith that over time, things do have a way of getting sorted out. Just take things one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. Minutes if necessary.
I'm here, cheering you on. I truly wish I was closer. You're so special, Mighty.
Mighty - I agree that the OW appears to be calling the shots on what is happening in what was our marriage. What an ugly thing to do. It is especially hard when there is a baby too - most of us do not have to face that one! However it is what our xh's decided to do. No-one made them. There are men who have gotten into an affair, which resulted in a pregnancy, realised they did not want to end the marriage, and manned up, provided for the child and worked on their marriage. it really is a choice. It is your xh who allowed OW to call the shots.
I think quite a lot of us here went through a period of 'blaming' or holding accountable the OP - they are responsible for what they did, and our former spouses are responsible for their own actions.
You are an amazing woman, and handling this so well. It is traumatic and deeply upsetting, and the lack of any sense of shame seems astonishing to us. I would be hiding behind shrubs and dodging any encounter in their place, but they seem so darned brazen!!
Anyway I do know of several cases of men who left their spouse, fathered a child with new woman, and when diapers and teething struck suddenly realised that it wasn't quite the 'fun' they had envisaged.
Your life is going to get batter and better from now on - there will be hiccups, and blips but that is the human condition. As for them - a relationship begun with deceit and lies probably doesn't have a promising future. But you know, it isn't our problem!
I do get the replaced bit, mine replaced me so quick it wasn't funny. Basically had an a, when we had a fight and I threw a tizz he basically ran off with her. Simple.
I get nothing from him, If I were to ring his house before the legal stuff started he will not pick up. He would not answer text. He would not answer email.
He eventually would ring back days later to blow smoke up my a$$ and sand in my face. In a way you cannot even protest at. He would say nothing to give you anything to object to, but enough to know he's gone affairing it up, so to speak.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
My friend told me something she learned from her friend at the gym. Apparently she had mentioned someone... Blah, blah, any way she said something about HWW, and the girl asked my friend if hww's name was [stdskankwh0r]? "Yes!" Exclaims my friend. Turns out, this girl USED to be friends w hww. Can you guess why they aren't?? Bc HWW tried to hook up with this girls boyfriend!
Shocker! This girl said HWW is a total skank. She is a money grubbing, gold-digging skank. She said that her x had bought this beautiful house and nothing was good enough (same he told me & that he even bought her a caddie- all at 24 yrs old).
