Yeesh. I can't believe you saw xh on the highway like that. Ok, actually I can. Because why not. Why not have the least desirable thing happen?
It must be difficult to deal with this stuff when it affects your D13. When you hear the "I'm at MIL" excuse, it's easy to dissect the probability of that being bs.
MLC: Believe none of what they say.
As the rational ones, we try to 'chuck' the plans communicated by xh into the no-expectations box.
So, we can roll with it a bit, knowing they are in crisis. They'll do whatever they feel they need to do at any given moment, regardless of what they previously said they would do.
The kids, tho....dang. It must feel not great for them. No way around that. And as the wonderful mom you are, of course you want your D13 to have a decent R with her dad. Who wouldn't?
Except he can't be counted on. He just cannot. So D13 continues to be let down by him. And it's got to be killing you to see that. I see you wanting to make up for xh failures, Mighty. To protect D13's heart. Because that's what we want for our kids.
So, when xh promises stuff, and falls through....where's Mighty? I don't blame ya, my friend. I can't say I would do any differently in your shoes.
It's hard. I have to consciously try to keep expectations at zero. I still catch myself doing the mind reading. I'm not sure that ever goes away completely or not.
You know what we need to do, Mighty? You and me have to try to remember, that We really don't know. Unless it happens in front of us? We're just making up a story in our heads.
I was wondering, M, do you think it may help to step back for a sec, and separate what is fact?
For example:
FACTS XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume XH asked her at 11:30 if she wanted to go that day D13 wasn't ready yet XH said let him know D tried calling at 1pm XH didn't answer for a while When XH contacted D13, the plan changed, XH was no longer going.
^^^^ that's really all you know.
Ok, bear with me.....back to this:
MLC: Believe none of what they say.
And now back to this:
XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume.
Follow me?
What I'm getting at, is that unless and until they are actually in the car driving to and arriving at the store, it still may or may not happen. No matter what XH said at one time.
That is keeping the expectation at zero.
The rest, that is not fact? I totally get it because I do it, too. I'm better, but I have to catch myself.
Mighty, you know I love ya, girl. Truly. I'd be on a plane so fast if I had the funds and the time.
I know you're totally venting. I don't think you're clueless AT ALL. In fact, quite the opposite. You're kinda my hero in many ways. I hate that you have all this to deal with.
I wonder, though, if seeing some things a bit differently, might help you work toward addressing some of the "whys" you mentioned earlier.
You have fears and anxieties about meeting or seeing hww. Totally normal. I mean, who wouldn't?? Remember me??? I'm the loony toon that went through ow's wallet at my house, and took pics of her checkbook and business card. I LOOKED AT HER DRESS SIZE, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. Cuz THAT'S not insecure....lol. Anyhoo...I get it, Might. I totally get it.
I think getting to the bottom of those fears....the "whys" will really, really help you, Might.
So, take my observations below as one newbie to another newbie (in MLC years....which are uber long.)
Quote:
she lives 2 hours away and he wouldn't have been there yet. How can you be sure where xh texted from at 11:30? What if xh was at a gas station or a store 30 min closer to MIL? Just thinking outside the assumption that xh was at his house.
And for him to say let me know, the take off two hours away. It was such bs. Totally. Again, can't know for sure where xh was or when he took off
And he didn't answer his phone?! He has Bluetooth connected, Maybe he does. Probably, if he did before. But maybe not. Maybe he got a new phone. Maybe he changed his mind about using the connection. Maybe his battery was low. Maybe xh and hww were having a huge argument and xh was tied up. The point is, you can't really know for sure unless you are right there..
so obviously doesn't even want hww to hear his conversations with his own daughter. It's not obvious unless you see it. What xh wants hww to hear is mind reading
But xh very rarely sees his mom. Maybe. Probably, if that's how it always was. Xh does a lot of things different now, yeah? Who really knows how often these days? Unless you physically see him elsewhere, you can't really know.
I wonder how hww likes that with her son- but who knows, Why do you wonder?
they were probably with her friggin mom- or shopping for cribs- who knows, who cares... toxic thoughts- BE GONE!) Why do you want to make this a story in your head?
I think I wanted to make a point that I would put d13 first, as I always do. Not blow her off. Do you believe you need to prove anything to xh?
Ok, here's the point of my whole scatty-wompus post, my dear.
At the end of the day, all you can ever really do is take the facts, and decide what is best for YOU and your kids.....based on what you know to be true. (Refer to above section entitled FACTS).
