hey hi- nah - you didn't upset me asking- i know it sounds schlockie- but it's true (JUST KNOWING) however - he does not deny she's there and that he goes to see her. i've told him i know - he's told me he goes- we know what the heck each other are up to and what the other guy feels about it. short of him saying she's history - or me delivering an ultimatum - there doesn't seem to be a darn thing to say bout it anymore. maybe someone's got to break this mexican standoff? idk- so far i always mange to bite my tongue and think itys' a better policy - discretion ...
i thank you totally for your faith that i'll do something sometime when it's rite for me (i hope to God you're rite) - and for saying you can see a difference. i think i feel differently on the whole - but feeling more neutral and "detached" about him and "mlc" makes me feel bad also- that he's really not registering in a huge emotonal way. i get that it "saves" us from pain- but on the other hand- isn't it signaling some kind of big ole "end" ... and who the heck DOES KNOW gfor sure when dbing is never gonna work - so throw in the towel man.??? not me so far- i'm like goat girl- always afraid that i'll"quit" one mnth before he has a breakthru kind of thing ... oiy
oh well- i know, so me, always with the "on the one hand-blah blahblah- BUT THEN on the other hand, blah blahb lah" i can drive my own self nuts. is it any wonder that i find it more effective to shut off brain- go stack the darn woodpile or go work or do something useful and not think about it.???
i'm doing great not talking about him and "it" to friends. it bores me even.... such old old news huh?. only time i even say much is here. if i even think about it all - i get myself hipped up- it produces nothing but stress and for what???
ya know, sometimes i don't know what to think anymore about dbing - me, him- "it", etc. i just haven't got an opinion anymore about most stuff. well, ow- got a BIG BIG OPINION ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR THING.
it's been soooo wierd for soooo long- i truly wonder - really when my life was not at all what i thought, how many years i bumbled along blindly- or if it EVER WAS what i thought EVER?? losing faith
PITIFUL - huh? oh well- no body can tell me that but him- and he's really deluded about some stuff. (no kidding- rewritten history- things i know for a fact are totally nutball - ) o h mannnn..... soo, ta da- nowhere on earth to get any answer or "assurance." that's kind of pitiful too huh?
all things being considered - and all these years & dbing i don't actually know or have a really strong opinion about what it is i've "got" here. ?? do you happen to?
things seem a ton better than three or four years ago - as far as how "easy " we are aroudn each other and his level of interaction and (seeming) affection. on the other hand- i'd prefer "more" in life . it may be greedy tho- i'm not sure. who says i get to have exactly what i want when i want it? that's been my stumbling block all along- i'm am azingly grateful all the time and maybe i ask for so little- and usually feel so fortunate - i have trouble being demanding. i wonder if i'll be shooting myself in the foot if i ditch what i've got - even lousy- it's something (as opposed to the huge old NOTHIN & NO-ONE - NOT NO HOW - NOT NO WAY....
- now that my mom is not around - i dont feel obliged to be here- i'm not sure what i want really or where i want it or wh at? i don't think it's an option to live down there with him allll the time. i haven't mentioned or asked that- i just have no juice for heart to heart. i'd rather avoid it too for the moment. geeeez - that sounds rather pitiful too doesn't it.
i thik that will be on my headstone when i die - "i'd rather avoid it (all) at the moment"
no matter what i say- it all sounds kind of crazed out & dreary today-
oh well- i'm tired, spent five or six hrs at mom's house sorting thru junk,e tc.- depressing a bit , buty 've got to get rolling with this. so now- all i have to do is the fifthy three things on my SUNDAY - TO DO LIST.
i GUESS THAT's having an okay life tho, not bored and plenty to do tht wants your attention (purpose?) idk - i'm outta here.
yeah- i figure we'll visit again if i could ever get my act together - be in one place for a while and have my big old "OBLIGATIONS" under control. life still feels wacky a bit with this estate hanging over my head.
doesn't help to think my lazy ole sisters who've got tons of advice for me abouty how to do things - but never ever ever have a spare minute to actually do anythnig or help out- all benefit from my efforts but think i'm a giant jacka$$ - i'm truly fine tho- so now i'll go get busy and pay some bills, finished the wood pile - yay, dye my hair i think. (i trimed it other day and the "ends" ended up being about three inches - you know, even up this side- even up that siden -eeeek.
