The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Meh.

Recording session went great yesterday and I got lots of good feedback. I forgot that I was good at this stuff!

Funny thing about being in this sitch. There has been so much heartache and pain that I find I am more fearless about things which used to create anxiety for me.

I almost feel like nothing can hurt as much as these past few years have, so stretching my musical boundaries and tapping into something deep down with ABSOLUTELY NO FEAR allowed me to do things that formerly would have had me a bit twisted up.

I found my guitar solos, ability to mesh with the other players, and my vocal improvising/scatting so effortless. I was soooooo RELAXED. It's really the only way it works well. There was no thinking about it--it was just jazz--jazz happening. I have never been so calm and centered and tapping into something deeper in my soul. Interestingly, the other players saw this and commented on it.

I really surprised myself.

Frankly, I never knew I had it in me to go there.
Not with new people, an unknown situation, live recording session, under the gun, as it were.

So--yay! More sessions to come, maybe a Christmas album.
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And as for H,

He was here during the days Sat/Sun---and yes, he's still "H" more or less.

Although he was here to help me load up my equipment on Saturday morning for the recording session, there was definitely an air of irritation coming from him.

Later on I wondered if perhaps he was mad at the fact that I was doing really great things with this time we're separated, while he is still sort of stuck. He resents that.
I know he does. Particularly while he's here doing manual labor.

Well, I do plenty of manual labor too---and I can often spend five+ days alone without seeing or speaking to anybody. So I refuse to feel guilty for being gone for the day doing something that might turn out to be pivotal for my future.

He was a musician when we met, but for him, it just fell by the wayside as so many other things did for him.
He has expressed resentment over my playing again for the past few years. Although he always said how much he "supported" me, the fact is, it annoyed him. He didn't want to spend the time with me, but he didn't want me putting time into that either. Unless it meant I was out of the house. (Hahaha. And now I know why THAT was, porn and OW.)

I used to believe he was proud of me. Now he just seems threatened and maybe even JEALOUS.
That's his problem.
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A few weeks ago I mentioned maybe using his old amp and he texted me that "Sorry, my instruments are going to be moving over here" to where he's staying.
As if he was going to start playing again "too!!!!" Not to be outdone, I guess.

So far, that hasn't happened, and I'll be surprised if it does. I think (mind reading, I know) that he really just didn't want me using his stuff to have any more "fun".
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He did a few things around here this weekend, but essentially did them without any real plan; ran some electric that is all over the map...it's like he wants to get something done, and he does, but he doesn't take into consideration how to do it so it doesn't cause problems down the road.
He doesn't seem able to think things through very well.

So yeah, the light works, but there are problems stemming from the work he did. Historically, I couldn't mention any of the problems because he saw it as me critiquing his work; which it wasn't.

Heck. If there is a safety issue that needed to be addressed, and I mentioned it--as nice as I could be--he got defensive and nasty.
He has been that way for years now.
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Last night when I got back from recording, he left me a nice note, had taken care of the critters--but made sure he was gone before I got home. Missed me by about 10 minutes. Like he didn't want to see me.

Last night, he never asked how it went, he just sent me a weird text schedule of sorts, plus some other curt texts about how he's going to be "coming late and leaving early"... no explanation, and nothing to do with anything on topic.

This is the classic button-pushing stuff he does when he gets ticked off. It's slight, I know, but it's like he is trying in subtle ways to "get back" at me for my "infractions". (Like not curling up in a ball and dying, not just moving away when he wanted me gone, I guess.)

Anyhow, I thanked him again for helping me out so I could take the day, how I appreciated his support. Trying to see the best in him. Hoping he'll see it as a victory for him, too.
That he helped me achieve something important to me.
He used to be like that. He used to be so proud of me.

Now I wonder if it wasn't more "Look at MY WIFE!"
Like it wasn't that he was happy for me, just that it made him "better" to have a wife who could do what I could.
That's a difficult thought, but I will not avoid mulling the painful things over anymore.

Like the reality of a future together. How realistic is that? Who we are now, separately and together... would that even work? Would this reality be sustainable? I'm thinking not....

Ugh. Again.
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Today he was here only briefly, which was fine.
I had so much trouble sleeping last night, was up and down, and in between it was one nightmare after another where he was telling me that "we will be divorcing, I need to get over it, get the ball rolling... that he needs to start dating other women..."
Ugh. I woke up every hour or so with my heart pounding.

I don't know what brought this on since it hasn't happened in a while. Subconsciously it appears I am still pretty freaked out.

But today was beautiful.
We chatted a bit, I validated the work he did, didn't ask anything about the bizarre schedule texts. Just kept it light while projecting my cutest "sleepy morning self" in the sleepwear he always liked. Offered him coffee and breakfast, which he declined. I couldn't have been sweeter, but again, nothing I wouldn't do for anyone who was here working.
(Except minus perhaps the sexy P.J.s )
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So about the schedule texts again: This is his most common passive-aggressing "Gotcha!" for which I am grateful. It could be so much worse; it's hardly worth mentioning.
When he gets ticked off, he refuses to tell me why he won't be here, is deliberately vague, shows up unannounced (he did today) and *seems* to want me to think he's out tearing up the universe.
Which I'm pretty certain he is not.

He gave me the reason for not being here one weeknight, but not for Sunday, a day he has ALWAYS been here-- with maybe one or two exceptions when he was really trying to push my buttons.

I *think* that absence on Sunday is because of graduation... a sore topic, since last year at that event I met OW and he took off his ring, among other things.

Funny that he wouldn't mention it as the "reason" he won't be here, if that's what it is. (Timing is right.) I wonder if its because he knows bringing it up will be hurtful to me. Or he wants to avoid my emotions over it. Not that I have reacted negatively to anything for months. Personally, I'd rather he just told me, than let me stew in my own juices about what he "might" be up to.

As if not mentioning it makes any difference.
Like I'm not thinking about it quite a bit this time of year.
But I'm looking on the bright side, that maybe he's not mentioning it because he doesn't want to hurt me.

Problem is, not mentioning something doesn't solve anything.
It's just both of us pretending there isn't a pink elephant carcass stinking up the living room.
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He has not asked a single question about how my session went. As usual, he talked about HIMSELF and we talked about HIM and his stuff.

*sigh*

I really don't expect more, but it sure would be nice.

Tonight I have a dance to go to with friends, and, if I might be so bold to mention, about five of the guys who have been actively pursuing me.

(All of whom I have put on ice, so to speak, and told them I'm not dating. One of whom has a private plane, among other things.)

But I'm sure there will be people who might actually be interested to hear what I did yesterday. Too bad H isn't one of them.

Which says everything about him, and nothing about me.
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So it goes.
Just kinda blah today.

Stuffy head, allergies bad dreams, and little sleep, makes Goat Gal a dull Divorce Buster.


---(G)GGG