OK, so here is where my head has been the past few days...
I am hoping that this is the upswing. I have had a few good days. I am accepting things as they are, and being OK.
uR, you said you think I'm hard on myself. I think that is interesting. I feel like as much as I make progress, I tend to regress. I don't want to do that. I feel like something is wrong with me that I go back to this place which is hard to get out of. I have this place of total devastation. I try to stay far away from that abyss of despair. Sometimes if [censored] me in... it can be hard to muddle my way out.
I am not going to get into these thoughts which suck me in. OK, I think this may be a little progress. Before I would have listed many examples of the weighted thoughts which invade my mind. Not even gonna go there. Once I start one, they come flooding in. So... I will cautiously step away from the land mine.
This is what I need to focus on right now. As I mentioned before that I need strategic planning and training for how I will address unexpected sightings/communication with these people. Still haven't seen hww. Thank God! I did have a dream about her the other night. The first one in which she was actually a present figure. (Thank goodness there isn't a thread for analyzing or interpreting dreams!) Anyway, in my dream I confronted her in a very non-aggressive, rational, calm way. So not me! It actually gave me hope that I could handle it. I had a vision, if you will, of myself handling the situation. OK, feel better. But who knows what will actually happen. This is why I need training.
And I mean it. You know, soldiers have training to deal with stressful, sudden situations. They know how to respond and react. Put their learned skills into action. I need this!
Here is what happened Friday night: S17 had his last football game. It was a play-off game, 2 hours away. D13 and I went. We were about 20 min from home on the north side of the city. It was rush hour. Traffic was terrible all the way to the south side. We were on the congested highway and a car next to us started beeping. D13 look at me and said, "What the heck are they beeping at?" I look and saw the truck. I was like, no way. I said, "I think that's your dad." She looked. Yup. Right next to us in rolling, bumper to bumper traffic. I asked if he was with anyone. She said, yeah, Uncle Idiot (not really the words she used).
I felt my anxiety go through the freaking roof! Panic! I did not want to drive two hours side-by-side next to these morons. (By the way- xh and his bro really didn't have the best r. BIL is a total jerk, ignorant, trashy, disrespectful, piece... He and xh had nothing in common- Ha! I guess they have a lot in common now! But the thought crossed my mind, that's pretty much all he has to hang out with now. BIL and hww, and hww can't do anything related with my kids)
Anyway, xh rolled down his window and started saying something and waving, all excited. Not me. I was like Mohammed Ali with a car. I was bobbin' and weavin' right down the highway. I hit the gas and was the jerk on the highway in a rush to get past everyone. I was so gone. Never saw him again during our drive. Not even in the rear-view mirror. And what made me so happy... I had the Easypass. Xh never wanted to get one and was really weird about it. (Probably though people would see where he was driving) It was one of my first purchases I made when he left. It never felt better to zip through those tolls knowing that it would put me that much further ahead. Yes! Best purchase ever!
So we get there about 25 min early. Only problem.... it was not where we thought. We were in a dark, empty parking lot. People in this town were more than sketchy. And they had no idea how to give directions. One lady told me to got right there to the parking lot which was empty and clearly not where I was supposed to be... and she was looking at it while saying it. So I was soooooo frustrated. We had all this technology, gps, two iphones, and it just kept saying the wrong thing. 20 minutes went by, and I was getting so frustrated. And I wanted to get into the stadium and sit down without worries of xh. See... his presence just makes my anxiety skyrocket. So as we were sitting in this dark empty parking lot, guess who pulls in. XH. Are you friggin kidding me???????
I zoomed right out. Gone. Didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I know he would have wanted to discuss where we were supposed to go. Grrrrr.......
Well, we found it. S17's team got crushed. He was sad, so were all the other seniors. End to an era.
