Oh my word. I cannot express my gratitude to you Shining and Claure and Card and Maybell and ganb8te and Ahoy... And all of you.
Shining, I needed to read every word you wrote. Every. Single. Word. I have been so low and made so many pitfalls and backtracks and then gotten low again. So low that I honestly could not get off the floor yesterday and I didn't stop crying for hours upon hours.
I feel like I've aged 10 years in three months. Seriously.
I'm very wrapped up in my confusion with him spending so much time around me. He invited me to lunch today with D. I miss D so much when she's at his place that it's hard to turn down invites that include her. I got in his car and saw a notebook on the floor. It was entitles "sings about her". Great. I inhaled, furrowed my brow, sat silently for a minute and decided to not let it ruin lunch.
I'm not sure I did great but 1. I didn't cry about it all day and spend the rest of the day on the floor, 2. H did ask me if I was ok, that it seemed I got into a bad mood right when I got into his car (he knew), 3. It's part of his process and I can't fix him.
Shining, your process is mine. I think I can fix him. You nailed it. Dead on.
It'll take sometime for me to come to terms with the reality of that but I AM working harder at self-focus rather than focusing on him. Right now that means self-care.
Emotional, physical, spiritual care, every day. One day at a time. One step at a time.
I need to find my value without extraneous things. My value does not increase because I'm married to H, it doesn't increase because of my job, or because I'm a mom. What am I worth? To me? To others? What is my value?
I don't know who I am if I'm not H's wife, or D's mom, or Kelsey's BFF. I'm a karate mom, a library volunteer, an ex college swimmer, a college drop out, currently underemployed at Banana Republic, a child abuse survivor, a yoga enthusiast, an Italian food expert, a wine connoisseur...
But WHO am I? That's all stuff that I use to define me but when that's all gone, what's left. Only what I build, right?
I am on the slow search for my big girl panties but I am finding them, with your support. I'm just not sure they fit.
Should I be hanging out with H so much? Should I just put a hold on that for a while? It's confusing for me and it seems like a crutch for him. What do you all think?
It's hard to be ME focused when around him. It's clear he enjoys my company but maybe a week off. He hits NY next weekend and I'm super busy this week so it might happen naturally. I can reevaluate after that.
This stuff has absolutely brought me to my knees. It's not just hard, it's Herculean and not for the weak hearted.
I'll get there. I know I will. One day at a time.
Claire, I'm sorry about the pictures on the night stand today. I'm impressed with your strength and ability to recognize the hurt in the moment and move on with the day. I hope to get there. I will get there. It might take me a year but I'll get there.
I have to be honest, it would be super easy to become a functioning alcoholic during this journey. Super easy. Not saying I have a problem. One glass a wine a week does not a problem make but I can definitely see it as an easy way to numb this horrible pain.
