Ss, I am caught up on your sitch. I'm so sorry this is a tough time.
As they say, this stuff is not for the faint of heart. The emotional ride will take you up, down, sideways, frontward and back.
I am certainly no vet. I'm not a therapist. However, I am in a very good place now. I am so like you, in many ways. I will be glad to share what I have experienced, what I've done about it, and what I think.
I apologize for the book....I don't typically post this long on others' threads. I wanted to share so much on this since I was exactly here not too long ago.
When I was in and out of the lowest of lows, they hit me at several different points throughout this journey.
During those lows, I was a bit like you, in that I cried almost daily. When I needed to let the big cries out, it was usually in my car. That was where I would unleash my screams during loud music in an abandoned parking lot.
As if my sitch wasn't hard enough, I became jobless, and it lasted for almost 2 months. The last months of my old job were also extremely slow, and stressful, and I was ridden with anxiety. I had far too much time to think about H and miss him. And to wonder if he missed me.
It wasn't until I began to really take the time, and focus on me, that I started to feel human again.
It was not easy. It was not a simple decide-to-do-it-and-there-it's-done kind of process. It happens in layers.
I read the words everywhere on the boards. So much so, that they can tend to lose some of their impact and meaning. "Focus on you." "GAL." "Detach."
So, as I would read the words, I would know in my head, that "those things" were what I needed to do. But I had no clue HOW. So the info would stall there. As a far away concept. Why?
I was still far too focused on my H.
What he said, what he did, where he was, did he text, how many minutes between responses, what will he think if I wear my ring, or if I don't wear my ring, will he play words game, is he depressed, will he file, is he still seeking to date, does he think about me, what color were his socks today, when he blinked it was a little more with one eye than the other, and what does that mean????
I didn't think I could stop. The truth is, I didn't want to stop. I would not acknowledge that to myself, or posters here for a long time. I had to ask what was I getting out of thinking of him so much? If I know I need to stop, why am I not doing it?
The answer for me, and I see it in you, too? I still thought I could fix him.
No, not thought.... I KNEW I could. I truly thought if I love him enough, he will come back. I told myself I know him better than anyone. Inside and out. I know his fears. His worries. I know what makes him happy. I know how to talk to him. I know his past, his pain, his desires, his dreams....
Then I learned several things.
One, was this: as convinced as I was, that I was right about all I thought, I really really wasn't. I assumed. In fairness, I made these assumptions based on what he said. But, as we have seen, anyone can and will change their mind. Anyone can tell us what they think and feel and want one day, and want something else the next. Scary thought.
The truth is, I CAN'T know what's in another person's head. I CAN'T know their plans until I see them happen. No one can. So, if I don't really know those things for certain, how can I possibly be able to fix him?
I thought I could because I'm a fixer. What do you MEAN I can't fix him??? Of course I can!
Nope. Seriously, Shining....if, over DECADES of experts, doctors, therapists, posters here and others who have dealt with this couldn't fix their patient, H or W, what makes me so different?
Nothing. I can't fix him.
Not only can I NOT fix him? More importantly, I learned this:
Why would I want to?
Even if I could fix him and make it all better, it would deprive HIM, of the much needed experience, HIS journey, of learning on his own. His own tough painful lessons.
"But, I don't want him in pain." Hmmm. Not about what I want. "But, I know the answers if he would just hear me." Hmmm. My answers are not about him. They're about me.
Ss, your answers and solutions for him are really about you.
I had to get honest with myself about that. Uuuggghhhh......tough, tough stuff, Ss.
I know, without a doubt, that you love him, very much. Love him enough to back off. To get out of his way. To allow him to walk his path. Even if that path does not include you.
Choosing detachment doesn't mean you love him less. It means you love him so much, that you will remove yourself as a distraction, and make room for him to live his life.
Ss, your H truly needs to do what he will do. He needs to. He thinks he needs to. Which means, he needs to.
You can't control what he experiences. You can't make him want to come back. You can't just make him learn what you think he should learn. Ss, you can not fix this.
Because it's not about you, or what you think. It's his crisis. His life. Even if you don't agree. And it hurts. OMG it f'n hurts. How can't it? His life is without you right now. It's what he thinks he needs.
It is so difficult to accept, and the suddenness of everything changing. It was sudden from our view, anyway.
During this difficult stuff, which you can not fix, the biggest and most important thing, is to use this time to fix what you can, which is you. USE THIS TIME. You will not regret it.
I often read, and have spoken to a few, who ONLY regret that they took so long to really put the work into themselves. Their only regret was waiting, stalling, hesitating.
It's hard. But, so worth it.
I see you doing a lot of things for yourself, GAL, which is great. However, IMO, if you're only doing those types of things, they can just serve as a distraction. The real turning point for me, was in looking inward. The digging. The "whys" of what I do what I do.
In order to get my focus off my H long enough to work on me, I had to actually start to work on me. Now, THOSE were painful days, as you may have read.
I can tell you this: I don't have the extreme lows like I used to anymore. It took a long time. A lot of patience. A lot of tears. A lot of uncomfortable questions to answer.
I still have more to do.
As T2 wrote, it's truly amazing on the other side.
