I wrote a letter to her as suggested. And I want to post it here, since I will NOT be giving it to her.
Letter of Truth 10/25/2014
I am sorry for who I have been. For the person I never continued to be. I am sorry for the person you became, as you changed from the person you were. I accepted that change and my love did not die. But that change strained everything we were and everything we were supposed to become. I am sorry for the father I forgot to be. I am sorry for the lover that I neglected to satisfy you with. I am sorry for the pain that my heartache causes you, and the pain my failures have endured you. I gave you my heart, unconditionally, and never had a plan to take it away. You kept your heart from me for so long; I do not remember what it was like to have it. I find myself apologizing to you, to God, to our families for all my faults. Only to realize that many of the faults are yours as well, you have just never had time to think about them. Some days I want to hate you. Some days I wish I never loved you. There are some days when I want to yell at you for making what I believe to be a horrible mistake. But we have been down this road before. There is a difference. I have come to realize so much over these past few months. And believe me there is an awakening that I never had before. The main issues I have had to deal with are mostly obvious. I have always made it clear that as long as the papers are not signed, we are married. You have emotionally cheated on me many times, and now a physical affair. For the better part of a year you have been conversing with this person. Even back when I thought we were good together. Then I started figuring it out. The constant texting on the phone. The lack of interest in spending time with me at night, while you were “playing games” on your phone. The late nights at work while you had to wait for the manager to finish. The not coming home for lunch days. The fact that you did not want to go to work on your days off. When you started deleting your text messages, and claiming you did not like the clutter. All of these things happened before I STUPIDLY suggested we separate. I trusted you, and never ONCE thought you were doing anything with another man. You lied to my face for months. You backstabbed me and betrayed me in a way that I Never thought you would have. You are now avoiding me at all costs. The children will suffer through this ordeal regardless of how you say they will be fine, or how well they are “adjusting”. You lied to me for so long, you are now lying to yourself. You had a man that would have loved you until the world stopped spinning. You had a man that would have laid his life down for you just to prove his love. Then you just gave up. You posted a message on how you gained your maturity at 30. Getting a divorce, having an affair, removing the daddy from your child’s home, allowing our home to foreclose, planning a bankruptcy – this is not maturity, this is irrationality; delusion. And yet, you blame me, because my heart is broken and my emotions went downhill. And then I suffer more while you rave and pretend to be happy. You destroy me, and smile about your day as if you do not care. Perhaps you do not care, perhaps you do not love me, and perhaps you never did. I have decided to accept your terms due to the fact that I have no choice or control. I feel like I do not want to love you. But I do, and more then you may Ever believe. And I probably will until my last breath on this earth. I love our children, yes I failed to show it, but that does not mean it was untrue. I will provide for them for the rest of my life, and they will come to understand the true love of a father – because after what you have done, they are ALL I have left. I am going to learn to bury my love for you, because I cannot live in this pain. This will take some time – perhaps before I can bury it, you will see what you are losing. Maybe then we may have a chance to make this marriage what it always should have been. A fairy tale.
