I didn't see your post last nite- I had worked and it was middle school - da da dummmmmmm....... those kids, they are a real challenge. i do realize, i'd guess, that because i'm a substitute they feel compelled to flex their - uh hem - m uscles and be obnoxious. most are nice kids - some feel so bad about the jerks they apologize going out for the extremists bad behavior. I feel bad that they think it may hurt my feelings. (it rolls rite off me) but it's nice to know most are decent little human beings in tehre. I wonder how the wild ones got to be soooo obnoxious & needy- makes me feel sorry for them. I have no desire to save anyone- it's so peculiar- these awful little guys will greet me in hallway like i'm a long lost friend- wtf??? i'm thinking they're a wild animal- and they're thinking we're buddies???!!! oh well- it's interesting for sure. & ya gotta wonder what their lives and upbringing is like at home???
poor schnooks.....nary a clue bout empathy, manners, courtesy, decorum - how will they go thru life successfully?????? ya gotta wonder
anyway- ow. Under the heading of following mwd "rule" that if you've said it once, assume they know and don't "hammer away". I have expressed in past my feelings about the whole sitch. I've said that i hate it when he's with her. I do hate it -...& hate knowing it- he does not respond - he does not say he's NOT with her. he is, and he knows perfectly well how i feel, how it impacts me and what i think of him as a result and any "life" we might have "together" (if there is an official "together" of any sort now or ever) he has nothing meaningful to say about it. I think that "says" alot.
he does not call when he's with her- he knows if he's calling me on his cellphone - i know. it's a fact - uncontrovertable.
he gets excited when he's going to see her- i can sense his (what? happiness? ) in his voice - it used to hurt me- i'm rather numbed-out - however, it's sad and i wish i didn't know it- but i can tell. He calls me multiple times in the day or two before they are to meet up - i swear to you, i do not think he's even aware of his own "attitudes" and what he conveys (if he did, surely he'd disguise it better?? you'd think, wouldn't you?). he's like a selfish little baby- totally self-immersed and sooo either unaware or uncaring of the world & people around him . I only say unaware to be charitable - But it's so. He is pleasant and chatty - unusually so. I want to not pick up - or want to just say "f you" and hang up. I don't - i FORCE myself to think of mwd saying keep neutral, pleasant, etc. BE WHO YOU ARE/WERE. I think i ram it down my own throat believing it's the only way to finally get to a point of overkill and certainty about blowing him out the old airlock (if it's gonna happen). know what i mean? some wierd duty to endure - even when you think you don't want to keep on being it- doing it. (neurosis? db? idk)
It is not my imagination EITHER - believe me. Inside i reckon if he's that "exuberant" at the thought of seeing her (it's been years since i've felt it directed to me) - that's sad too!) and i can hear his "happiness" in his voice (once- at the very very very beginning - i heard his voice while he chatting on phone with his cousin- i didn't know then he was planning to go boink her- but i did hear his voice and my gut KNEW THAT this was something extraordinary going on- with him and his level of interest) boy, was my gut correct.... I di dn't go bizerk then, just like i can't seem to go bizerk now- idk about that either...
so- believe me when i tell you, i'm sorry that i do know him sooooo well.
ON THE OTheR HAND - i hear what you're saying. I think, unfortunately, that the ball is in his court. if we're supposed to "wait them out" - it's what i'm trying to do. IF HE EVEN WONDERS what the heck i'm still doing around- he doesn't ask. he knows i hate it- he knows it hurts me - he knows i don't think i'll do this forever - blah blah blah. i'm assuming he's not as stupid as he acts - who can know tho ??? selfish & stupid, can be pretty darn stupid. can't rule anything out -
i'm not going to run down the giant list of "how i am sure" anynmore - it's making me disgusted and since it's all in there somewhere- this woman does not go spiraling down that road anymore. NO PAST - NO FUTURE- ONLY TODAY.
it's working okay tho- i stay in this day and today there's the girlscout halloween party- it's sunny and chilly and a lovely fall day- last nite was a lovely evening (weather) - my neice & her friends were saying it made their day begin well yesterday , seeing me in a.m. & saying have a great day- aren't the trees lovely? (we bumped into each other by schools yesterday morning as i was heading for the middleschool and they were heading to highschool & the trees were hit by sunlite only on the top third - lighting them up beautifully and were screaming gold & red & orange- which i was looking at and pointed out to them. it was a nice sentiment- i'll take it.-
I do tend to see myself as reflected by people around me. It would seem to be a part of who i am- we all respond happily to favorable input- etc. we all get smashed down by bad. idk- i'm only a person here - I do know my good points - (tho one can never be really sure what the view is like from other perspectives.) I only have to answer to my own conscience rite? I do what i think is "right" & i go to great lengths to not hurt anyone.
TA DA- am i learning my lesson or what? keeping self from "going there" - being hurt - feeling crummie.
sticking with any "feel good things" compliments, good feelings - positive interactions -
I think in my life, my mom and those years, my sister and her alcoholixm and those years, H and this mlc and these years, even school and the insanely ratty kids challenge-
i think my gut says "ya can't run away- you gotta see it thru" kind of thing to me alot with all this stuff . i can't figure why i see these things as a "challenge" that has to be met, seen thru, "conquered" and gotten past rather than just giving up, and running away because it hurts too much. (in general)
my sisters, h, its like this - when the estate is allll settled and i do not have to interact with them for any reason - they can make the first move if they want to be my friend/sister any more. H, i've told him i am not his "buddy" or mother - i'm his mate or i'm nothin. i'm not likely to blow up and end it all- not me at all - BUT , i know when I've been "wronged" and jacked around and it doesn't disappear because i don't hammer away about it.. either the offender can make it "right" - or i'll just go on about my life and wander away at some point to whatever my "new" life is going to be. they can come or stay.
or so i think SOOOOO - is this me just saying the same old junk over and over - ta da..... NO EXTRA CHARGE.
