Is it too late?

[LoisB]

Gwen,

For me...it took a good 9 months to a year after he left before I began to feel longer spans of calm and the crying stopped.

I remember, even in the very beginning, I'd have these short moments of clarity where I could sorta see God's hand in all of this and see how this tragedy could become a real blessing for me and my girls. Those moments come more frequently as you move along in this process.

In my opinion, ruminating, right now, on why he left and what you coulda done better will only make you crazy. There will be plenty of time, once you grieve this loss, to look at your marriage with a fair, objective mindset. I don't believe now is that time.

He left, he's having an affair, he's behaving in a way that is hurtful and disrespectful to you, your kids, your marriage. That's really all you need to know right now.

I support you 100% in seeking some sort of legal boundary to hold him accountable.

In my case, when all had settled, I realized that one of the things that killed my marriage was my own growth. I became unable to tolerate m H's immaturity and selfishness. Instead of coddling him, I started to break free from his control and his limited way of looking at life. He found someone more willing to stay within the limited lifestyle...lots of drugs, drinking and low responsibility.

I made the mistake, recently, of not treating a individual's character defects seriously enough. I put some children in danger because I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I regret that and will forever.

Trust your instincts. If you lived with this man for 25 years and see him acting differently, trust it. If you sense he isn't to be trusted right now, trust it. Protect yourself.

There are plenty of Lots in this world. And, sometimes they provide a Blessing in Disguise by stepping away from our lives. Sometimes, we have to set some firm boundaries and call it for what it is in order to move forward with whatever God has planned for us. Your H knows where you live.

Setting boundaries is a great lesson to learn in this difficult situation. Practice on the boards. This forum has been a live saver and changemaker for me. However, there's lot of online therapizing that may or may not be what you need. Ask for what you need and state what you may not be ready for, just yet.