Wife in denied but ongoing affair, what to do???

[blndsid]

The job thing has, to me, been the real underlying problem (or trigger) in our R problems. She perceived my leaving a job last October as me quitting, but it was precipitated from a joint decision we'd made earlier that year. I've mentioned this before, but it is really what I believe to have been the moment that began to unravel the very fabric of our R. She has mentioned it multiple times, how I didn't take her concerns seriously and ruined her way of life. This year I'll make 60% of last year. Apparently that 25,000 was all that stood between me and marital disaster. Sad really.

Perception is reality, that's what I've learned from that. However, WE turned down a general manager position for me in 2013 because I already spent too much time away from kids and home. And at that point W had been promoted to make about the same amount I would have made as the GM. The amount we'd decided was enough to survive on one paycheck, back when she wanted to quit and stay home with kids. As WE made that decision I told my wife, if I turn down this position, the one he hired me to fill, it would not surprise me if he lets me go right then. She accepted that fact, so I turned it down and he kept me in sales, for a while.

Jump forward 3 months, and the boss running me off for not taking the offered GM position (as was his style, instead of firing and paying unemployment), had a discussion with me in June, two actually, where we discussed my future and how/when I'd leave the company. He asked if I would stay until January 1 as he looked for a replacement, I said I'd had enough and would prefer October 1. This was me quitting, because I left 3 months earlier than he offered. And I could see it perceived that way by her, but I had seen him do this stuff to other employees and was tired of his tactics. Even after all that, he told me I just needed to leave at the end of August, and he paid through October. So I was destined to be run off. During that time I started my consulting business, which admittedly started slow. She did come to me and express concerns at that point, and I felt she had a negative attitude I didn't need at the time, but I took a step back and agreed I should be sending out resumes, starting that December, while I continued to work the new business.

Of course, working part time makes me the primary caregiver of the kids regarding appointments, swim lessons, and such. Happy to do it. But I think she sees the instability as a weakness that I bring to the marriage. After December she didn't come to me with her concerns, she turned to MIL, BFF, and of course her co-workers/OM1.

She had always been one who did our budget (until recently) and craves a direct deposited check on regular intervals. Consulting jobs leave you by the mail box hoping it comes in. I have turned down a full time job that paid less than I'm making now, working part time, that she wanted me to take. It's that kind of mindset I am dealing with. She'd apparently rather have less income but have it stable, than more income and hope the checks come in time. I don't understand, but I truly feel this difference in perception is a block for her. I'm to the point that I'll take a full time job making what I make now just to stabilize my world. I know I will move up, with my new attitude to the world I intend to run whichever company hires me within 5 years. I never intend to ever rely on anyone else, ever. I thought my W could handle that load as I got things going this year, but I was very wrong. Either I took her for granted (her view), or thought she was tougher than she was (my view). NEVER AGAIN. Whether with her or anyone else, I will control that part of my life.