Yes 25yearsmlc, I watched the 2 videos. Thanks for recommending them.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So he texted again? Well well. As a teaching point, I am going to use a little "pen" here to support the good parts of this, which are present (YAY!!)
but to cross thru the parts where you are either pursuing, blaming, criticizing, pressuring OR just whining & radiating your pain and neediness, which is NOT attractive. Remember, guilt pushes them away, it does NOT draw them back! (Not for long anyway.)....
Originally Posted By: dgb60
H sent me a text this morning saying that he misses me and misses the kids "horribly". He went on to say that, "None of us sees very far into the future" and wonders if it will ever feel important for me to talk to him again.
I texted back that I missed him also and that I was sorry for not answering his previous texts. I said he is missing so many things regarding our daughters since we've separated. You could have mentioned the things he missed -- INSTEAD of pointing out that he missed them, which He knows already. Saying "H, Daughter also won 2nd place in the spelling bee!...", And NOT Saying "You missed the spelling bee"...
See the ^^ difference?
I told him that he is free to come over any time whether I am there or not but that I probably won't be able to stay for his entire visit until I have completely detached.You need NOT tell him about your detachment process ever, at all. That's your issue, not his. Don't give him DB talk or mention your progress - or your pain.
That might just remind him of HIS pain. He had many nights feeling rejected for years. I know you regret that.
I'm merely observing that his pain was real too, and you can't dismiss it b/c you feel pain now. Make sense?
Nor do you need to mention the marriage at all, unless it comes up and at that point, I'd LISTEN a lot to what he says. It's a chance to hear his point of view more. Get clues to what bothered him the most. And If the opportunity arises - your goal is to show CHANGE IN YOU, not more of the same, not more making demands of him. Don't go to him with your needs, esp when you know he doesn't want to meet those needs yet.
Be a source of good feelings for/ about him in his life, if/when he seeks it out from you. Other than OW talk, try to do what My DB coach told me to do, which is to "listen Like a Lover" and "Applaud Loudly for the 1% of positives he does". it's not easy to do (it can be Mother Teresa Hard to do...but it HELPS A LOT more than you may think.
I asked if I could email him from time to time and he said my emails are ALWAYS welcome even if he doesn't like the message. Without knowing what else went with that ^^ request, I think it sounds fine.
I know I need to continue working on detaching and GAL-ing. Any other suggestions? I really had to fight the urge to bring up OW.
Thank GOD you did not bring her up. THINK OUT how that conversation would go...first off, it would last MAYBE one minute and then he never would have heard the good stuff you did get to say. Do NOT bring her up. Be the better choice. That means you must show change.
IF and ONLY IF you can handle this, then maybe you could
TELL HIM that in a way, you are glad about the changes this is forcing upon you b/c you "really needed to take a good look at how [you] were living and [you are] glad that these changes are finally happening."
Then drop it and don't bring OW up. Let him wonder about the changes you are referring to.
The phrase "If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently" can be your new mantra.
It's not doormat -ish to say and it does not escalate things BUT it shows that you realize you needed to make some changes. That you wanted to remedy some things. Now you are.
Make sense?
Are you seeing a counselor yet? How is that going? I'm glad you watched those Ted Talk videos. I love them. Did you check out that workshop Essential Experience in Philly? I think it would change your life a lot and it's a great jump start on a long process.
Keep up the good work!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well I wish I would had seen the praise y'all gave me got before I blew it earlier today. H sent me the rest of the email he got interrupted from writing yesterday and he made a remark about how he knows he is missing out on experiences with D's and that he is trying to accommodate as many people as he can while getting some of his "most fundamental desires met". He went on to say that he wants to be part of our lives, etc. Well… I went into a psycho rage and texted and called and emailed demanding to know if he felt that there was any chance for us. He said that he cannot be with me intimately because I basically castrated him with our sexless marriage (I do not blame him for feeling this way). He said it would not be physically possible for him to be with me because he is not attracted to me in that way anymore. He said he's dead there and he can't get that back. He went on to say he loves me deeply and misses me but there is nothing left romantically between us. I was hysterical (OMG blubbering, pleading, etc.) telling him we could work on the intimacy and fix it. He said trying to work on it would be a huge "turn off". I think at one point he said, "Do you hear yourself?" I wish I could start this day over!!!!!!! I would not have done this and I could kick myself. Suggestions?
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
This morning H left voicemail message asking how I was. When I had the meltdown the other day I told him that I wanted to talk so H asked if I wanted to get together tomorrow and talk and go to the pistol range. I texted back thanks but I couldn't go tomorrow maybe another day. I really could go tomorrow but just don't trust myself to keep my emotions in check and think it's better to not see him for now. Now I am REALLY going to GAL and DETACH and certainly have no conversations about our R or my feelings or the OW or anything. I know my meltdown was a huge turnoff and am surprised that he was even willing to meet with me to talk as I had requested. Maybe he didn't realize I was acting as psycho as I was since the exchange was not face to face but over text and phone instead. Whew!!! I feel like I am back on track.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
"most fundamental desires met" Every damn time I see this I just cringe. You want to talk about no sex and needing female companionship he should talk to some of the LBH's here.
Did he actually say that?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
The WASs just blow me away sometimes. It's like Lord of the Flies.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
H texted and said, "Can I please come over tomorrow?" I responded that I would like that and am sure D's would like that as well. Right now I am just going to focus on being a good friend. He has said that his feelings for me are purely fraternal now. Can his romantic feelings for me ever return?
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
