I some how lost my hotmail account- cannot find myself and can't figure out why my password doesn't work. idk- i guess i need to go somewhere someday and make a new account for private chats.
Yeah- i guess you're rite about me and the "mind reading". what the heck does one do for " input" when he can't seem to open his mouth and just talk. (in any way about anything meaningful)
i've thought maybe it's authentic- the affection. But then, That's the kind of assumptiopn i'd make in the passt; optimistic - but ya know, it would mean i had "expectations" or thinking i "knew" him.I don't anyu more. It's the constant lack of any meaningful communication in life with him- it' wears me out, so i'm done wondering. honest - if he has xsomething to say that will change something or mean something to me- he can just spit it out. i can't make any positive assumptions anymore.
I am not rotten or rude- but i cannot bring myself to initiate anything. he's the guy that said he wants less of me in his life- im the guy who is what i was.
he does see her- i do know it. he is "having it all" . his words (said a long while ago- but no retractions around)it's icky and wierd- hanging around me- seeing her (& whoever else?) idk linda- it's icky if you ask me.
so- for want of someone or something better to do- i'm just here. the estate is ongoing- need to get this house cleared out & listed for sale and the shore house relisted with a new agent. i can't see either thing "over" real soon. i can't deal with a huge change if i don 't have to. (he's always got the option to force me to- idk why he doesn't) i'm grateful i don't have to go it alone just yet. i know i've said that for the past few years- it's just still true. unless it's shoved down my throat- i'll just stick here til i've got a new plan or something new going on.
you may be right about him and his "guilt", or lack there of . who the heck knows? i doubt i'm "doin him wrong". it's just my opinion - i'm not expending much brain power about this if possible. i haven't spoken about it in ages - it just puts me in a bad mood and brins up bad old feelings. why do it tomyself- relive over and over such a terrible time.
idk what the heck i'm doing- as usual- but im workin and keepin busy and creative more than last few yuears - so glad of it.
good to hear your voice. i think i've got a pinched nerve in neck perhaps- need to get the heating pad out and put it on my ear/neck ,
helping with a girlscount halloween party tomorrow - shoudl be funny or fun - maybe a glass of wine (just saw someone on tv pouring it) i'm in a funny kind of mood- but not pissed off or so on, so i'll take it.
some kidn of improvement - no???? your h sounds like he's really "out there" poor man. you sound good. Are ya?
