I'm back to feeling like [censored] again. I have no one to talk to about all this and I feel like I have no more tears to shed, yet hey still come.
His hopelessness is overwhelming. I just desperately want to penetrate it and SHOW him.
He just wants to start a new life. He's resentful for this separation because he has to wait to even do that (find a house, perhaps date). His words are so final.
I'm not going to make it through this. Everything is about waiting. I have to wait for my IC appointment on Monday, my DB coaching apt on tuesday, my BFF isn't available to talk, my other friends aren't the right choice to talk to, my brothers don't even know what's going on and they're both out if the country right now,... I only have you guys but even you guys can't come here and hold me while I weep.
I'm just so lost.
I know precisely what to do to fix our marriage but I'm not given the option.
I told him I didn't want to have the regret of knowing what to do to help fix it and not be given a chance for it.
He said he didn't want to regret working on the marriage and when it doesn't work say, "I was almost out, almost divorced".
We are on polar opposites of all this and he's so strong-willed and stubborn for the sake of being right that he won't budge.
I can't pick myself off the floor literally and proverbially. I can't do this alone. I can't feel like this anymore and people keep saying "let it go, move on" but move on to what? I want this to work, I know it can work. I've made mistakes, not been the person I know I could have been. I know.
And to think of my daughter. If I'd known I'd be in this place facing all of this I wouldn't have had her. It's a terrible thing to say but oh my god, I can't take all this pain.
I'm really hitting bottom and I don't know how to get up. I just don't. I can talk buzz words like hope and making myself a better person and he'd be a fool to leave and all that but NONE of that gets me off the floor sobbing.
