Hi Jefe, I’m proud of you for addressing the tattoo issue so promptly. But please keep in mind there is more to this process than removing the tattoo.
Please focus about why the tattoo is important.
You said, “My wife has never mentioned it again since before we were married. She has mentioned plenty of other things.”
The reason this sentence is significant is because your first sentence says you did not provide a safe environment for your wife to discuss issues of emotional importance. Your second sentence says your wife made other complaints--which I assume had lessor emotionally components. You don’t elaborate but my guess is these things were probably minimized, argued, or ignored.
Removing the tattoo doesn’t have significance unless you also explain you are doing this because you finally understand that ignoring her feelings was wrong. And you are removing the tattoo because it matters to her and because it matter to you.
Because you recognize that you are no longer married to your ex-wife--You are married to your current wife. And you do not want to wear a symbol of love and fidelity to your ex-wife.
And…yes…this gesture is too little too late.
And…yes…this gesture should have been done before you were ever married.
And…yes…you can understand the deep pain you caused by not doing this. If she had done this to you it would have drove a deep wedge into your marriage.
And you ask forgiveness for your insensitivity to her feelings. You are taking steps to remove the wedding band now. Maybe later you both could discuss tattooing rings on your hands (you aren’t permitted to give your ex-wife something and not extend the same offer to your current wife).
But the point of removing the tattoo is not to remove the tattoo and suddenly the problem resolves.
The point of removing the tattoo is to recognize a hurt you caused and then ignored. The tattoo is only one of a hundred things that went wrong in your marriage. But it was so glaring it was easy to immediately focus on.
Most difficulties in marriage occur when words and actions stop lining up. Then, when we finally do something to line up our words and actions, we expect our spouse to reward us.
For example, you have been saying “I love you” to your wife while keeping your ex-wife wedding band tattooed on your finger. Your words and actions have not lined up during your entire marriage.
So when you finally remove the tattoo you should expect your wife’s reaction to be indifferent or angry instead of excited. But as time moves on and she realizes more of your actions are lining up with your words…she will trust your words.
To respond to Jim0987, the 12-Steps is a program addicts use when making amends to themselves and others as they come out of the fog of addiction.
I asked Jefe to use this with his wife because of issues in the first part of his marriage. I believe Jefe should work the Steps because he probably engaged in addict behavior during this time and wasn’t aware of it. Working the steps will help him get focus.
I do not recommend using the 12-Steps as a standard practice in marriage counseling.
Each marriage is unique and therefore marriage counseling should be individualized toward the couple.
