So, my last thread was deleted. I still need a place to journal and get things off my mind, so here I am again. Life has been such a roller coaster the last 2 years. The anniversary of BD, is just around the corner for me. I am STILL not divorced. W is currently engaged. yeah, kinda getting the cart in front of the horse, but that's her journey. I still hold an astronomical amount of anger towards her. I still feel love for her as well. Its a difficult combination for me. I have resorted to having as little contact and interaction with her as humanly possible. Even during parenting swaps, it is usually done with a word being exchanged. I know I come off as a complete jerk towards her, but I have found this to be my best personal defense. Anything engaging, still just hurts, so I pretend she doesn't exist and that makes it easier on me. Parenting life, with my D, is awesome though. I feel like I have become a much MUCH better dad. Perhaps this is the most important thing I will take away from all of this. Business life is crazy. We had a great year, but we are heading into a very complicated waters. As some may know, I lost my Mom recently. She was not only the matriarch of our family, she was also the head chief of staff in our business. In recent years, she mostly played the role of referee between us siblings, so without her being here to bring our family together, who knows what the future will hold. I feel very alone without my Mom. We were very close. I struggle with it everyday, but I am coping and understanding well. It was just her time. I miss her dearly. I lost my dad 7 years ago. He was my best friend and confidant. My parents literally held my world together, and now I have to make my own way. Its tough, but I am doing it. On top of all that, my niece passed away tragically at the first of the year. It was a harsh blow to our family, and it is still so difficult to see the effect it has on my sister and her other children. Needless to say, sometimes it has been difficult for me to find positive things to smile about....But I am doing it! Sure, I have my bad days. I have those times when life pushes my triggers, but I am mostly smiles. I am happy most of the time, maybe 70% of each day, and I think that's better than it could be. I have been trying to get back into the dating scene. I am not having much success. I am not sure if it is my area, lack of available women that would be interested in a guy like me, my age or the fact that I have never been good at approaching women or dating in in the first place. I have started to become a little frustrated with that.....still smiling, anyway. I am not sure life will ever be as good as I once thought it was, but I am hopeful.
So, there is a whole lot of nothing, about my current sitch...haha... If you took the time to read it, thank you. If you have any advice for me or inspirational input, I always appreciate hearing it
Ps: I am happy to see some familiar faces that are feeling better about life and living it. Regardless of how many times I heard, "it gets better", during my sitch, I never really thought it would happen for me. It still hasn't become good, but every day its getting better. I am glad so many of you have made it out the other side. That always gives me inspiration!
