Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

Last night, I searched for the words "I love you" in my emails with my W. The last time she wrote it to me was in July, when she was traveling and I was going through a low. The last time I wrote it to her was for our anniversary in February...

Most importantly, I found an email from April where she laid out all that she needed from me. It was very painful to read, because she said there all that she needed for me to wake up and I didn't. Here's the gist of it.

WIFE
I've been meaning to tell you: your actions have real consequences. Your careless attitude with me hurts me. I feel even less valued and important to you. Why is it that I ask stupid questions that make you snap? How come I haven't learned to think or respond better? That's what your reactions tell me. I'm not a good person, my questions and reasoning are naive and stupid. You hurt me: you don't take care of me when you act like this. And me, I need it. I need to feel that you love me, that you show me, that you tell me too. At least, that you don't make me feel so bad. And yes, I take it very seriously: I'm an emotional person who's honest with my emotions. So when I'm telling you that I feel bad when you do me wrong, it's true.

I suffer. I'm alone and I don't feel your support. There. I had to tell you and I want you to tell me that you hear me, that you will try to be kinder to me.

I'm starting a therapy to feel better. You're one of the things that bring sadness in my life. I love you but I think we're not a good couple at the moment. It has to change. I want us to make each other happy. I don't want to be a source of stress and sadness for each other. I want us to support each other openly.

This is a heavy burden. I had to tell you before you go on your trip tomorrow. It's important.

Thanks for listening.

ME
I read you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't have an immediate answer and I won't have one before I leave -- I'm not sure I understand the link with my trip. You still imagine I'm telling you you're stupid, the cycle goes on... I really don't know what to tell you. You know I'm with my parents right now and that I ignore them at the moment to reply. Still, it's ok to tell me. Ideally, we should find a good moment to discuss this in person.

How could she have been any clearer? Her message is perfect. It's what she needed to say and what I needed to hear, yet I didn't. I barely acknowledged her call and made her feel guilty for saying it at the wrong moment. I can read that the kind words were pried out of me and weren't soothing one bit. I can't imagine her reading this and feeling any better, heard. In my weak defense, I was at my D6's show with my parents at the time, but even in replying quickly, I could have been much kinder. Of course, we never set a time to have said discussion.

I share this here because I want to be honest about the reasons that lead to my painful separation. I've a lot to answer for. I sowed the wind, I reap the whirlwind. I just don't know how I can dig myself out of that whole.

Zimmy: After reading this, you'll understand better why I can't blame my separation on my wife's "craziness".