Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

Thanks for chiming in Mr. Bond.

I have made several changes in my behavior and issues I had during our relationship.

1) anger- through counseling I have found the root of my anger issues and refusal to address it. I have not had a single angry outburst or reaction since I have been here. Even when she has been super critical and revised our marital history to paint me as the Devil I have taken a moment to collect myself and not been controlled by my initial visceral reaction.

2)manipulation- I used to disregard her opinions to the point where she would not offer any. Now I ask her what she thinks or feels and give weight to her consideration. If I didn't agree with her I would force her to justify why she felt a certain way or tell her she was wrong. I would use my mood to influence her actions. I've actually told her since I've been here that I would love to know her reasoning behind things but if she doesn't feel comfortable doing that, I would simply respect a no.

3)Critical nature- her 'LL is words of affirmation. I support her decisions and make sure I let the kids know how smart their mom is when she makes decisions with them. When she criticizes herself I jump to her defense. She tries to deflect my opinions but I ask her not to minimize my feelings. I listen carefully when she speaks and make a point to STFU when she does share. I validate her and profess my respect for the job she does at work and point out the good things she does when she recounts interactions w/co worked.

4)Dependabilty- one of the first things she said when dropping the bomb was that I was never there for them. I haven't missed a single practice or game since I've been here. I've taken time out to work on soccer w/S one on one several times-even at the loss of sleep (I works graveyard). Every time she has called needing me for something my first response is I'm on my way not why can't u handle it. I take the kids everywhere and take my D to the bathroom when we r all out in public to help out. And I've done all of these things gladly with a willing spirit and not demanded that it be noted, but because I should have been doing this all along.