I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Thank you for the b-day wishes CaliGuy!
So this wasn't an MLC Harley you purchased- right?!! And I think guys that cry ARE bada$$ ( bad boy good heart kinda thing).

So EMDR- I have found it to be very helpful for deep rooted issues. It stands for Eye movement desensitization reprogramming. Basically my IC uses " tappers" you hold in your hand that alternatively vibrate. I've also done it with the eye movements. Basically the concept is bilateral rhythmic movements are occuring while you are focused on a feeling or belief about yourself or memory and the emotional pain is able to be processed in a way that doesn't have such lazing and profound effects.
The thought is that it accesses emotional memories that may have been stored without being processed in a healthy way and we now carry around as baggage. I find it helpful when I can't quote pinpoint the issue and to get through issues faster rather than getting stuck.
I highly recommend it- just need to find a good therapist with solid training in it.

The idea about our spouse having passed away- I agree if I could do that it would help. For some reason I seem to be in a worse emotional place than I have been in many months. Maybe I've peeked the onion layers back to the deeper hurts- I don't know. But I'm trying to face the issues head on as best I can.

So one interesting interaction to describe tonight- and yes I know I need to be patient and let him go. I don't think this is the oven dinging but it's nice to see progress.

Tonight I came home to H at the house b/c my mom was locked out and then fell.
He followed me into the bathroom and kept staring at me. He had feeling in his eyes. I said what? He said happy birthday- then asked if I was ok. I said yes- he said uh uh what's wrong? I kept saying I'm fine. I tried to seem positive and said nothing I'm just workin through my issues. He kept pushing and at that moment it seemed walking away would be worse. I finally told him- I said it was hard to see nice things written about someone else on their birthday (former EA) and I'm chitty. ( he wrote something teasing me about how I'm still older than him and heading to my 50s..would have been fine if the other post hadn't been on FB to our friend 2 days before..) He looked very sad that I felt that way- I said its my issue I'm working on it. He said "its ok I wasn't sure what to say either" He started to take my hands and hold them. I said well I wouldn't say something that nice about someone else if I couldn't say something nice about you. He said I thought that I was doing good posting at midnight and making you laugh. I said its fine you were trying to be thoughtful. He said no you should expect better. I said I don't expect- he said well you should. Then he hugged me for a really long time. With those relief sighs like he does sometimes.
He said Im sorry. I said really I'm ok- it's my issue to work through. He said stop- no- I would have noticed the same thing too. I said thank you.

So I know this is not a sign of anything other than he is taking some baby steps. He's able to see my feelings and feel compassion ( evidenced by his actions) and he seems to be able to get some perspective on how the EA history impacts me deeply and appeared genuinely sorry.

Back to letting him go....