I had a pretty good day. I feel like I am starting to come out of the funk I was in for a little while. I'm not sure what sent me back, exactly. I guess dealing with the reality of my sitch. I don't know how many time I will go back into that funk, but I can't wait until it stops. Yesterday was pretty good, today was better.
I have to admit. The past few weeks have been a little tough. I know my friend's passing triggered something too. It was difficult to come out of. It's like I get these depressive symptoms or something.
And what stresses me is grocery shopping. I am so afraid of running into them. I go so long sometimes before I make it there... we have to get creative with dinners. My poor kids. It's bad. The guilt I feel. There are some areas that I really have to work on. Things would be so much better if they were far away... or at least further.
(Self, stop digressing... back to the good!) <<<<< That is what I really have to do. Talk to myself all the time!
I can feel myself on the come-back and looking forward to things. I feel really good being independent. I like finding myself without input from anyone. At all. I do have people I can trust and confide in, but I don't like people pressuring me as to what I should do/feel/act... that kind of stuff. I talked to my mom about this. She is wonderful, but I do tell her to stop when I feel pressure from her. Today, for example, she was talking to me and said something. I just sighed. She said, "Do you want me to leave?" I said, "NO. I just don't want you to tell me what I should do." She respects that and drops it. I have been clear about it. And she has been through a lot herself, so she gets it.
XH called d13 today. I could hear his voice. That gets to me. It still makes me spin a little. I wish it didn't bother me. I don't want him in my head anymore.
