Yes, Jefe there was something specific I wanted you to examine when I asked for your first thought to the following paragraph. Thank you for asking.
Here is what I wrote:
“When someone wants a divorce they file for a divorce and the LBS begs them not to do this. But not only does your wife keep threatening to file a divorce (with no follow through)--Now she is demanding that you to carry out her threat.”
I asked:
Is your first thought to the paragraph above, “She did that because she can’t afford to file.”
Because your first thought should have been:
“Hey (or OMG!)…I didn’t even realize she was asking me to carry out her threats!”
But you didn’t have either response.
You said:
”My initial response to the ‘divorce’ statement was that it was just another idle threat meant to wound me for the moment.
This tells me you are still 100% focused on you. Your pain. Your issues. What she is doing to you and how this is affecting your life.
DBing cannot be effective until you stop focusing on everything your spouse is doing wrong and make changes that brought you and your spouse to this point.
You are a wounded animal. And you are waiting for her to heal your wounds.
If I can see this so can she. The problem in your marriage is she is also a wounded animal and she is waiting for you to heal her wounds.
Someone has to give in first or the marriage will collapse.
The reason the first break up is so significant is because you should have stayed broken up. While you were apart she got pregnant with another man’s child and you were still married. Logically, you should have been working on saving your marriage and she should have bonded with the father of her child.
But, the two of you reunited. Your wife’s behavior runs contrary to normal female behavior. When a woman becomes pregnant while in a relationship, instinct drives them to nest with the father of the child. Women do not spend years working on a relationship with another man unless she has a stronger bond with that man.
This tells me she was more emotionally invested with you. So the next question I ask is: How did the initial break up occur? Usually if both parties are in love the normal progression isn’t to break up.
Unless there is an imbalance of emotional power it the relationship…which there was in your case. You were married. I’m sure this was very frustrating to her.
Here is my hypothesis (please correct me if I am wrong):
The longer you were involved the angrier she became that you were not divorced. You tried to explain the roadblocks but she felt you were being deceptive. Her response was to lash. When she lashed you withdrew. When you withdrew, she lashed more, which made you withdraw even more.
She finally gave up and left the relationship. When she left the relationship it also meant she stopped lashing. This made you stop withdrawing. When you aren't withdrawing you are able to give her attention. She allowed you to give her attention. When she allowed you to give her attention you were able to connect. When you were allowed to have a connection with her you took the opportunity to re-bond. Once you bonded…then you reunited.
If I am right…This is your dynamic again.
Believe it or not…You are the person who taught her that she has to leave you, find another man, date him and develop an intimate relationship. Then, after she has done all this…you will put forth the effort to “win her back.”
This is why I encourage you to change your behavior by using the 12-Step Recovery program and discussing your faults in the marriage.
She needs to know you recognize many of the problems in the marriage are your fault and she was a contributor to the good things in your marriage. She needs to know she has value--not because other men find her is attractive--but because she is your lifetime partner.
