Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

I went home at lunch and H was home since he took the week of for vacation to do the hunting thing. Since S is at school, it was a perfect time to talk. I stayed very calm. We talked about everything, I validated his feelings, talked about my own. He got upset a few times about my parenting and how I treated him. I can't get over the anger he has towards me sometimes. He still swears he is doing what he says with who he says. I asked him if he had any ideas on how to make it possible to live at home and have it be comfortable for us all as it just isn't working for me. He agreed that it wasn't working for him either. That he doesn't like sleeping in the spare room, but that he just cant...... He stopped there. Sleep with me is most likely what he would have said? Am I a leper now? I cried a little, couldn't help it, but there was no comfort from him. I expected that too.

So I went over the 3 options. To talk with someone alone, talk with someone together or leave. I explained that it just didn't make sense to stay in the house if we are not actively working on our marriage together. Not to mention the example S is getting. He agreed with that. So, he says he must need to move out then. He talked about the financial situation and what if he isn't paying me enough then we find out later that he owes me some lump sum of money.....Really?? I told him I am not out to get him. That this situation has made us look at each other as monsters and he knows I am not the type of person to go after someone. I told him we will make it work so that we are both financially comfortable. That we will figure it out. And that no matter what happens we will stay friends since we have a son to raise together and will be in each other's lives for a long time. He put his head in his hands and just sat there for a minute.

I asked if the separation would be to take a break and see what happens? H said he is hoping the space would ease some of the tension between us and we can be friends again. Of course still no commitment either way.

So I was prepared for that, he is pretty clear in that he "doesn't have it in him to work on us". I am now curious to see if he really does this. I am not going to help him look for a place, he needs this reality check on his own. He was overwhelmed just talking about where to move and what he needs in the house to park his vechicles and blah blah blah. His problem, not mine.

I feel better. I ate for the first time in 2 days. I also stopped crying for the first time in 24 hours. This is why I had to take this step. It may bite me by pushing him out, but I know this is not the way I can live either.