Dazed and Confused

[CMS]

I know that not many are reading or keeping up with my sitch as there are some that seem much worse than mine but I find the journaling here helpful at times.

She has actually been me alot lately. Mostly with an excuse of kids to call then its a conversation full of other things. We had a couple nice phone calls here and there. But honestly I find myself at a new road and emotion. I am not mad or bitter and im not as over the top sad as I was before. Right now although I have focused on the things I need to chsnge and am doing so I am seeing my wife in a different light. She is literally going backwards instead of forwards as she is trying to convince people. Our phone call today she was cursing like a sailor. I do not like cursing or swearing in front of the kid. After giving my life to God I had given up swearing all together. my wife had a harder time but I never really said much about it unless it was really vulgar or in front of the kids. She has become cold, calculating and massively self centered more and more as the separation goes. She has went from telling the kids she is going to buy them everything to now delcaring she is buying a horse boarding it and buying all the stuff for it. all on just her minimum wage part time job working for her sister. She literally said well child support will cover things freeing up more of my money for my things.

I want our family to work and work to become something better than ever before. I have detached enough to start seeing though that there is alot of work her way as well. I can only focus on me. I pray she sees things clearly and sees this is destructive but I cant change her. I know regardless what happens I will come out of this the better man. I hope she realizes this before its all too late. All I know is right now I am so conflicted. I know I want my family back but I dont want who she is becoming becuase I dont want to be dragged down into it.