So a reply something maybe like this? I'm sorry you feel that I am dragging this out. This is a big part of our lives and our kids lives and there are so many thoughts and emotions involved. I want to be sure that I am doing what is best for me and what I believe is best for the kids. It hurts me to think that we can only talk with a lawyer or mediator is present. I not sure how things got so far gone. But If that is what you want to do that is your choice and I will respect that. So we can talk at the mediator or whoever you want. However I am not rushing into anything without the properly thinking things through and talking to the right people.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Hey Everybody. Thanks for the advice. I am talking to a DB coach. She has gave me some helpful advice. But I still seem so lost. She is so certain this has to happen. That she will never love me again. I think she is even being colder b/c she says she does not want to do anything to give me hope. I feel I'm trying to hang on. And I really don't want this for the kids. It breaks my heart thinking of them. I'm talking with people exercising etc. But I still feel myself getting into a dark place. I even noticed last night she was not wearing her wedding ring. I feel one of the worst things is that I really don't understand how she can feel this way. I want her to try to explain how she feels it went wrong. But she doesn't want to even talk to me about it. I am dreading lawyers etc b/c I feel she is so set in her ways and she belives I should move out, I should only get to see kids weekends etc (I want 50/50). She believes she does not have to go back to work and that I will support her. I don't want hurt her but do I have to do what is right for me?
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
"I do not agree that a long term separation and or divorce are the solution to our relationship issues. I understand you feel this way. I will not stand in your way, but I will not help you." [/quote] Gogofo. I really like this. But I know she will say. I don't love you. And I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. So for me this is not a choice. This is just a consequence of our poor marriage. What on reflection I believe we just didn't listen and really understand what each other wanted. I truly believe we wanted the same things we just did not know how to get there of show it.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
I want her to try to explain how she feels it went wrong. But she doesn't want to even talk to me about it. I am dreading lawyers etc b/c I feel she is so set in her ways and she belives I should move out, I should only get to see kids weekends etc (I want 50/50).
Real quick, Zed.
Do not get her to explain anything right now. Even if she did, it wouldn't necessarily be the truth and her head is a mess right now.
I know you feel she is set in her ways, but try not to put labels on anything. Do not believe ANYTHING she says and only %50 of what you see.
DO NOT MOVE OUT! Stand firm on this one.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
1. Don't move out-I think I'm good on this one. I'm really stubborn so once I decide on something I can stick to it. 2. Take a big dose of STFU- I have to learn to this better 3. Ignore the spew- It's tough b/c its hurts so bad when it's someone you love. 4. GAL- Trying my best on this one. But at times it feels like keeping myself busy is actually wearing me down 5. Be cordial. Calm, cool, and collected- Trying my best on this one as well. Hard not to take the insults to heart and then put on a happy face 6. See a lawyer- Have done this. His advice: don't move out, stay calm don't raise your voice, take your kids out have fun with them. If your work takes you away from home more than regular working hours, reduce your hours or quit. I talked to my boss and he is pretty understanding
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Zed: I want to reinforce the idea that you shouldn't ask her to explain how she feels it went wrong. It will only reinforce her. You feed what you emphasize. Don't make her articulate what she dislikes about you and your R, it will strengthen it and occupy more of her mind space. I've once read that the best way to reinforce a person's opinion is to attack it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Get used to it. DB is not for the faint of heart. It's a marthon not a sprint.
Quote:
She is so certain this has to happen. That she will never love me again.
That's how she feels right now. Doesn't mean she'll always feel that way. She loved you once right?
Quote:
I think she is even being colder b/c she says she does not want to do anything to give me hope.
Mindreading. Don't do that.
Quote:
I want her to try to explain how she feels it went wrong. But she doesn't want to even talk to me about it.
No, she doesn't. And you can't talk your way out of something your actions got you into.
Quote:
I am dreading lawyers etc b/c I feel she is so set in her ways and she belives I should move out, I should only get to see kids weekends etc (I want 50/50).
This alone should make you want to consult with a lawyer to protect your rights as a parent.
Quote:
She believes she does not have to go back to work and that I will support her.
As a wise counselor once told me, maybe it's time for a little dose of reality.
Read or reread DB/DR.
GAL.
Stop with the R talks.
DB101.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
zed: Some excellent advice you got there from Drew.
Originally Posted By: Drew
you can't talk your way out of something your actions got you into.
I cried. It's something I only realized when my wife walked out after a week of pleading and begging -- actually, I may have realized it only when I read it here. I think we go back to words because we can cram so many of them in an encounter while our actions are more like drops in a bucket. But these drops are real and words are not. If we're honest to ourselves, it's much easier to say that we've changed than to show it. I know I had almost all the right words from day 1, but the true realizations and actions come slowly. Everyday I realize something important about my R that would make me a better man.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I think she is even being colder b/c she says she does not want to do anything to give me hope.
Mindreading. Don't do that. Drew. She has told me that she does not want to do anything to give me hope. I just added in the I think she is being colder. Thanks for you in site. BTW how do you do the quote things. I am trying and can't figure it out Thanks
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
