Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

Sorry for the confusion. I have been back and forth, but I've solidified in my mind what my boundary is. No contact is where I draw the line. If she crosses that line, then I plan to proceed with legal separation.

Yesterday afternoon I asked W if she had time to discuss our relationship this week. She responded 7 hours later (after I was already asleep) asking what time. I responded with a couple times that worked when I woke up at 5 this morning. She never responded, but I saw her at home when I took lunch today. She sounded groggy and hung over and was in her bath robe still (at 1:30pm).

She asked what I wanted to talk about and we jumped right into conversation. It wasn't heated, but she restated her feelings of not wanting to be married, wanting freedom and independence (ironic when she is still fully financially dependent on me and has been unable to find a job). She explained she was frustrated that so many others (her own family and friends mostly) are focused on the affair as if that is the problem to address when to her the real issues she is facing are her desires to be free, unmarried, independent, etc. I acknowledged those were real desires she has, and that they were also STRONG feelings for her. I agreed that having two people choosing to be together is crucial for an R to exist. She asked about what I thought about the R and I said I think we are not living like a married couple since we rarely talk and rarely see each other. I told her I wanted to discuss finances further (we tabled that talk a week or two ago) and I asked if we could set a time in about a week to discuss finances after a big deadline for her school work.

She wanted to talk about finances right now, so we did. I told her I appreciate her respecting my wishes to honor our marital bed by not sleeping in it if she is not committed to our marriage, and for respecting my request to open her own bank account to hold her student loan funds that I disagreed with her taking out. I told her although I disagreed with her getting a $10k loan I respect that as an adult she had the right to make those types of decisions. I brought up another request I had - for her to stop using my credit card (it's in my name but she is an authorized user). She's been racking up shopping and alcohol bills on it. I made sure to not react to any single purchase, but waited to bring it up when I had time to think about my approach.

She apologized for using the credit card and said she was just doing what she thought we always did, put some things in the card and pay it off when we can (not true... and last week she was bragging to her friend about how she knew she shouldn't have bought $150 boots right now but DIDNT CARE!). The "old" me would have been pissed and given her the reaction she was probably looking for.

I also brought up my stance on the no contact boundary. She has a presentation in 10 days where she will likely run into the OM. I asked if she had talked to him and she swore she had no contact since DDay apart from a group message sent to others who worked on her project. I told her I understood no contact was nearly impossible since she has such a small field and is bound to run into him at a conference or meeting at some point in her career. I told her I understood and agreed it was really difficult, but reminded her I didn't want this and told her that I can't see how our relationship will last if nothing changes, and if she is working in the same context as when the affair occurred. She said she sees my point, but cannot and will not give up her career. I've never asked for her to give up her career, but in her narrow sighted mind can only imagine working for one organization (there are actually quite a few other options available to her which she is not pursuing at this time). She said she knows it was stupid to have an affair when she was married and with someone she works with. I told her that no contact is critical to me and as it concerns our marriage, that I could not see how it would work if a third person is still in the picture. The hard work of rebuilding trust we would go through if we reconcile would be impossible if she still sees him.

She seemed close to tears when I left to go back to work.

I feel at peace and am interested to see her response to my reaffirmed boundaries.

Headed to a football game tonight with a buddy. Thank God for GALing.