So, a week ago Monday I came back home to stay in our guest room. I had been spending M-F at my parents and weekends with our boys at the house...Leaving my WAW to have the weekends free to do as she wanted.
I came back 10/13 and said I was coming back home. The week has been fine, but mostly because now that I am back, WAW leaves after dinner and stays out until 12 - 1 am every night.
There has been some mixed signals. I was leaving nice notes and setting up coffee maker in the mornings all last week. These weren't 'lovey' notes, just nice notes. W texted me and thanked me and mentioned them. Then she left for the weekend. I had children all weekend, and told her she was welcome to stay. I've been giving her space, not asking where she's been, who she's with. No arguing. No following her around.
After weekend, I wrote her a letter that was focused on her and my empathy to her feelings. I specifically said in the letter it was not to change her mind or convince her. No excuses, no justifications for things I've done that have brought her to feeling the way she feels. She had texted me this Monday morning and lamented she was disappointed I had not left her a note. I went home for lunch, when she wasn't home, and left her the letter I had written. She is not comfortable discussing feelings or emotions at all really, and she said later in the afternoon she was having a hard time with the letter.
After I got home she went out with a friend to 'discuss' the letter.
I have not been leaving notes or coffee set up since. I've been LRT and detaching and mentally preparing that this is it and permanent.
Tuesday after work she went to a meeting about an upcoming school auction. I was at home with the boys. She didn't come home until 1 am. We now have a guest staying with us in the guest room, so I was in our bed. She got in bed and went to sleep.
The next morning we were both up early, as she had agreed to watch a friend's baby. As I was about to leave to take S7 to school, standing in entry way, she placed her hand on my arm. Subtle, but the first time she'd initiated physical touch in a few weeks.
Then yesterday she texted me and asked if I was distancing myself from her. I had no idea how to answer this. She has been blatantly distancing herself from me, emotionally, physically, and stated as such.
I answered that I am focusing on what I have control over. I am working on me. Doing what is right for me.
She asked how that related to how I currently feel about her and changes in behavior with her. I asked her to be more specific and she refused. She said I seemed closed off.
I said I am moving forward and feeling good about myself. I said I stand by not wanting a divorce but I will accept that reality.
She then said, "so all the niceties are over now?". I completely didn't understand. She has said she's done. I began to feel that leaving the notes etc. was pressure and pursuing her. I stopped for 2 days and she's upset. I said no, but I am evaluating why I'm doing those things. I want them to be no strings attached, not because I expect them to get a certain response from her.
She then said "whatever. I don't know if I can be in the same house as you right now. I knew it was all BS."
I assured her is wasn't fake, I meant the things I've said and feel. But I am prepared to move forward alone. I said I am here and available if she wants to talk. She said she has closed up shop, she's done. Then said "let's file".
I reiterated I did not want a divorce, and I would not file for divorce, but if that is what's right for her then I will accept that reality. And again said I am available to talk.
She said she was tired of the therapy speak. She then asked "What do you want from me?" I tried to get her to open up a little more about what that means, I wanted to understand the question and why she asked it.
She said my answers seem vague and non-specific.
Got home yesterday with PMA in full swing, gave her a big hug in kitchen, which she accepted and I could feel her release a little and lay her head on my shoulder.
Then we had an ok conversation...that turned into her wanting to discuss some specifics about divorce, and her saying she does not want me at the house. I argued a bit, and tried to stand my ground about not leaving. That I am giving her space, she's free to come and go and she pleases and I am not pressuring her or following her around. That I want to be there to provide as stable an environment for kids as possible. She said she wants distance, doesn't want to be living in same house. Wants to go back to our 'nesting' arrangement; kids stay in house, we rotate. (of course though, she still wants me at the house on the weekend. There isn't a particular OM, but she has dated, and I think interested in one guy).
We argued a bit. I left to go to gym, and read more of DR.
I came home about 8:30 and asked if we could talk for a minute. Had a very civil conversation. I said I wanted to give her what she wants right now. That if that's the kind of space she needs, then I'm open to working out an arrangement. She said she doesn't want to be divorced, but can't stay in this R. We didn't really have a R talk. (I of course, after this wake up call, have been making great strides and changes...although typically too little too late).
ANYWAY, she left. I cleaned up dinner, kids in bed, etc. I went to bed about 10:30, tossed and turned, really beating myself up about the argument. Shouldn't have engaged, should have redirected conversation. Oh well, it's done. I really wanted her there. I haven't been feeling that way, been detaching and ok with it. But last night I was aching, restless, mind racing. Wished she were there, even if cold. Finally fell asleep.
Woke up in the night, and she was by the bed, about to lay down. I said her name, and she said "I came home" (This morning I saw that she had texted me at 12:20 saying she was coming home. I'm pretty sure she went to her mother's.) She laid down, and against ALL my better judgment, I reached out and touched her back. I caressed her. Then I asked her to come to me, and she did. She rolled over and laid her head on my chest and we fell asleep.
I know this doesn't mean anything. And I know I am screwing up.
I am getting crazy mixed signals. I don't understand anything.
She wants to have an amicable divorce, remain friends, not involve lawyers...but also wants to stay in the house with the kids, I leave, I pay child support.
I don't know if she's confused or having an internal struggle, or if I am being played / manipulated.
We haven't talked about it today, but she wants to go back to rotating in / out of house. Should I agree? Should I stay?
ANY advice would be appreciated. This is complicated because while I feel she is the WAS at this point, because I want to work it out, very recently, 4-5 weeks ago, I was the WAS, with her begging to reconcile...
We are very very off track and screwed up right now. I don't know what to do.
