A day or two before he left, my MIL told my H that her parents had gone to marriage counseling when she was a kid, that they'd never been happy and that she'd been wondering lately whether they'd done the right thing by staying together. She told H that "kids deserve to grow up in a happy home."
Last night I had a dream about her and my H in which I was yelling at her for saying that and for being 600 miles away and having no idea of what the dynamics in our home were for her to make that sort of statement. I woke up really angry and upset and it took a couple of hours to settle back down and go to sleep.
I want to forgive him for leaving. I really, really do. But I don't know how to do it, or what forgiveness looks like. I feel like I need to give continuous forgiveness for each day that he's gone, because each day is fresh injury to the kids especially.
I wonder a lot if I would be standing if we didn't have kids. I did many things wrong in our marriage. Many. But many of them were responsive to how lonely and abandoned I felt so much of the time. Or I'm looking back with WAS glasses because yesterday was rough, and because of my dream.
I guess I'm the opposite of a lot of you -- I feel super shaky when I don't see him or hear from him, and more anxious to reunite when I spend more time with him. I wonder if he feels the same way.
GAL plans: today, I have an appointment at the community college to get into their "displaced homemaker" program to help me find a job. Tomorrow, a community event with two acquaintances I don't know well (one is a single mom who is my age, though her son is 21!). Saturday, lunch alone with S8 while S6 goes to a birthday party and H takes D11, then in the evening a really awesome Halloween event that involves ziplining (wild & crazy!!). Sunday church.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
