Need help. Scared, confused pt 3

[Jefe]

I remember that day, 8 years ago last month, like it was yesterday.

My drinking had gotten out of control. I wasn't doting on her like I used to and her primary love language is acts of service and she was practically begging me to "serve" her but I was too drunk to hear her. I was so in love with her then and I'm so in love with her now but I was a total mess. Looking back, I can see how much she truly loved me and she tried so hard to make me happy I just could't see it then. I see it now. We wanted to have kids and build a family and it seemed like she couldn't wait. Honestly, neither could I. She scared the crap out of me. She's the real deal. The one true love and the one I've been trying to sabotage and push away.

Util we met she was not the type to have a serious relationship just to have one. When we split it seems like she threw herself at the first guy that paid her enough attention.

What a mess I let this become. I let her down, I crushed her dreams, I broke her spirit.

You know, before this turned ugly, however many weeks ago, she told me more than once that she never wanted anyone else but me. I just never heard it in this context until just now. Holy crap, she really didn't. It's almost like she's saying: "Hello!?! do I have to screw somebody else to get your freaking attention?"

She has journaled before that she had so much fun with me, more fun than she had with anyone else, until demon alcohol got in the way.

Calling my sponsor, now.