I don’t think your wife is “preparing” to do evil and I don't think she is gearing up for anythig. I think she is very hurt. I believe you both have deep wounds and I believe the wounds go back to the first time you split (before you were married).
I don’t know what caused the breakup but it must have been epic. Because she ran into the arms of another man and you let her.
I strongly urge that before you try to heal the new wounds of 2102, you go back and heal the old wounds.
I don’t think your wife wants out of the marriage because she thinks the grass is greener. I think she wants out of the marriage because she is frustrated and can’t get your attention. Her behavior indicates she wants you to be her hero.
What I find interesting is you completely believe you are being her hero (you are raising your children, you are financially supporting the family, you repairing the vehicles, etc.)
So what does she want and why aren’t you hearing her?
And, more important, how long has she been asking for a hero and how long have you been deaf to her voice?
Your wife lashes out at you. When people lash they usually say what is really bothering them. Remember a while back I gave an example of a lasher:
The Lasher is late picking up the kids and a Yeller says, “What kept you?” the Lasher responds “Are you saying I’m a terrible mother! Well, you’re not that great of a father, either!!!”
Believe it or not, the Lasher actually explained her issue: She felt she was a terrible mother and her feeling of inadequacy was reinforced by the Yeller. The Yeller could easily deescalate the situation by saying, “You’re a great mother. You’re the best mother I’ve ever seen. We just need to buy you a better watch.”
I assume you are familiar with the 12 Step Program. If so, I suggest you take this approach with your marriage.
Specifically, make a searching and fearless inventory of yourself as a partner and (later) a husband over the course of your relationship (Step 4). I would like you to become honest about the exact nature of your wrongs as a partner (Step 5). Make direct amends to your wife about the injuries you caused her (Steps 8 & 9).
This should be a humbling exercise designed to show you understand where you let her down during the relationship. It is not a “discussion” about your marriage. It’s not about her and what you want her to do.
The purpose of your conversation is to try and heal her heart…which I believe is broken. And whatever happened to break her heart needs to be heard, acknowledged, and validated (whether you think it was valid or not).
You will probably have more than one conversation with her. Her behavior indicates there is a lot of pent up hurt. My hope is that after the first conversation she will feel safe enough to have a second conversation with you. The second conversation will lead to a third and so on.
Eventually she will agree to counseling.
If you do these steps I want to emphasize this is about recognizing wounds you inflicted and apologizing. It is not about her recognizing anything. In fact, if she wants to discuss her behavior…stop her.
Explain your appreciation for her willingness to discuss her behavior but it would muddy the waters and change the focus of the conversation. If she wants to have a conversation about her behavior…suggest this might be something you could do in marriage counseling.
Do not engage in any discussion with your wife that allows for an opportunity to “admit” bad behavior on her part. I think you are too emotionally raw to handle anything she would say. And I think you will trigger you the minute she doesn’t tell you what you need to hear.
It is also my opinion that neither of you should discuss your marriage without a trained professional navigating the reconciliation process with you.
