Things are about the same; I'm out GALing like mad, keeping up with my "plan which 'seems' to be 'working'". Operative words here being *seems* and *working*.
It appears that GUBU is more like H these days and I see continued improvement in small things.
He was here this weekend while I was away at an event and he clearly enjoyed his stay. Talked a bit about how much he enjoyed being here, missed the dogs, etc. Sent some cute texts after he left. For my part, I checked in with him every night I was gone, we spoke on the phone a few times, I gave him all my info of where I was staying, who to contact in an emergency, etc. For the first time in many months he showed some concern for my safety. And shared that with me.
So, he made it clear that he missed the wood stove, being with the animals... Nothing about missing me, but no surprise there. But it's new for him to talk about missing things in this way, even if I'm not included. He seems to be extending his visits here even if I'm around, although he has yet to actually want to spend time with me for its own sake.
He seems a bit---homesick? (Well, at least if I'm not a part of the picture.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other little things; I noticed him doing things on a to-do list I had on the fridge, nothing I'd asked him for, but things he knows I need help with. I was surprised about that. He's slowly making his way down that list.
He is also texting more and keeping in touch; calling and laughing on the phone. (!) Texting "goodnight" again, saying more emotional things about the dogs, missing the doggy kisses... I know it's not much but it's still a change in the right direction.
The other thing is that he cleaned up and did the dishes before he left after the weekend.
In the past if I was traveling, he'd clean the house and especially the bathroom, so I could soak in a hot tub. (Fibromyagia).
This time he cleaned the tub... and apologized for not having "time" to "clean more'. Well, that's not exactly true because he had nowhere to be, but still.
This was the first time in almost a year he did anything remotely like he used to for me. I saw that as a plus and thanked him very much, so he KNOWS that I appreciated it.
"Baby steps"... I keep reminding myself.
I validate like crazy, keep calm, keep happy, keep busy. Show him that I'm freaking wonderful and everything he could ever want. And that I'm not angry or pitiful, desperate or waiting forever. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I find what works best is to be friendly, giving back that 80% of warmth, making sure I don't shut him down if he reaches out, but still keep some mystery, don't pursue, no temp checks, no R talk...
I give him a little bit of hope to hang onto. I am kind, I am transparent, I am compassionate. I think he needs that. But I am also independent and get things done on my own. I am making myself happy and doing things which are meaningful to me. Surrounding myself with positive people and great experiences.
Again, he is not crossing my boundaries. If he were, he'd hear about it. He either gets no reaction or he gets a firm line in the sand. Lately he has not tried any of the snarky stuff with me.
I think it's been over two weeks now since I got the snarky texts/MIA/Arriving unannounced. Two weeks or close to it. That's a record.
I have refrained from snooping so I don't know if he's still active on his dating site or anything else. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
I believe that the way he is, even if he's not actively pursuing a relationship, he is probably mining the sites for the endorphin kick. A substitute or adjunct activity to porn. Nothing would surprise me.
"Look at ALL THESE WOMEN who are interested in me/could be mine/might be my soul-mate!" Opening your inbox to a bunch of messages from women who might be "The ONE" has got to have it's own chemical rewards. Which I'm pretty sure is something he is still seeking. I believe he is still depressed, but seems better in terms of humor, ability to think about people other than himself (if in very small ways), laughing and smiling more. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I have seen the bank statement and he is still drinking. A LOT. He has stated many times that he is awake most of the night. This is a concern, but not my problem.
I have my own sleep to contend with and he's an adult. He can figure it out. --------------------------------------------------------------
He still alternates between giving me detailed descriptions of what he's doing vs. being very vague and standoffish. Again, no surprise.
We do the "two steps forward and one step back" dance pretty consistently. But his steps back don't seem as far or as negative as they have been.
I find myself being very pragmatic, sort of "experienced" at this point, with accepting the reality, painful as it is, and trying to remind myself when it's really my ego giving me fits. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am still doing okay on my own and am still enjoying my life for the most part.
I stay busy, try to keep my thinking straight, work on my own goals, take care of my own side of the street to the best of my ability.
At this point, I believe I have "fixed" all of the "complaints" he ever had about me, even the ones I thought had no merit. He never really voiced any, except for minor stuff, but I took it to heart and am working those out.
He really has nothing to pin on me whatsoever at this point. Anything he could point to previously as my fault for "the reason we can never be together" is no longer on the table. The wind has gone out of his sails at least as far as I'm concerned. If he needs to be away from me at this point, it's not because of anything I've failed at, not that I ever thought so.
I think they are all changes I can live with, and ones I think benefit me as an individual, so I am staying true to my values. -------------------------------------------------------
I do have one confession to make:
The other night I had a very dark moment...a short one... but a deep one. I was in "his" basement bathroom which clearly is something he created for himself. One single man's bathroom. One towel hook... If a room could say "Goat Gal--KEEP OUT!!!!" this one would.
I realized it was never meant to be the bathroom that "we" would use while we were remodeling the main bath upstairs. Nope. It is something he did FOR HIMSELF so he could move into the basement at some point. (That didn't work out so far, but I know that was his goal.)
That thought just really pushed my buttons.
It was this time of year last year when he was really awful to me, trying to protect OW from the fallout of his adultery while throwing me under the bus. I realized a bunch of things, how he abused her too, how he led her on and used her. And things he said to me... It was the worst time of my life. So many memories came flooding back.
And I just lost it for a moment.
I cried and cursed his name--then I kicked a big old hole in the wall.
Yup. I did. Now, I didn't kick very hard, but he did such a crappy job of drywalling the space that my foot just went into a deep recess....
Well, it was ugly.
Fortunately, I did NOT engage in a text war, or write all sorts of nasties in permanent marker... many things I wanted to do, like call him and tell him what a selfish a**hat he was, among other things.
I notice that as things improve, this sort of thing happens more. I think because I open my heart a little and the pain floods in.
When I keep it closed, I am more successful at keeping my emotions under control. I guess I need to keep working on this!
I thought about leaving the damage rather than trying to hide the incident, to allow him to see that I am really human, really grieving, really having a tough time too, since I have been accused of having "too much fun".
And although I believe he DOES need to hear some of that, I didn't want it to be ammunition against me.
"That Goat Gal really hasn't changed at all. She's still so angry with me, and she'll never get over this."
I am fortunately to have drywall skills on par with his, so I patched that hole and he shouldn't be the wiser.
That is, if I can get the paint to dry without odor before he gets in there for a shower!
I learned my lesson though.
If I am going to kick the wall, I should do it it in one of the countless places where a hole in the sheetrock will not even be noticed! This place is a pit.
And that's the latest from the Triple GGG Ranch, Y'all.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
