Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your support Job. I am much calmer now.

I guess what it comes down to is this. He could be lying, he could be telling the truth, just like with anything else. I am still rocked by the fact that the one person I completely trusted and depended on did in fact do things behind my back and in finding that out killed my trust. He has not earned that back yet. I feel it is too much to ask of me to sit back and let him use our home like a hotel to do what he pleases as it fits him at the moment. To expect me to believe his stories and be out all hours and overnight and be ok with it. To be ok that he gives his S maybe 10 minutes of undivided attention a day, and makes everything else in his world a higher priority. To let him know how hurt I am feeling, and have him look back at me with complete deadness in his eyes. To force me to take on so much responsibility of our home and our child without even a blink.

There is no right or wrong here, it is what I can take and what I can live with. I have felt like a low priority and very unloved for many years. Not since just BD, but much longer. Maybe H gave as much as he could, but it was not enough for me. And to live like this now, I can't do it. However in dealing with this experience, I realize how strong I am and what I can accomplish and handle in life. It's much more than I ever thought. And when I look in the mirror, I am proud of the person I see and how far she has come. I deserve much better than this.

If H and I talk, I will let him know how I feel. I'm sure it will go upon deaf ears, but at least I can express myself and know when I look back that I did all I can do. We will see how that goes and I can make some decisions from there.

Looks like I need to start a new thread soon.