Should I wait and see, or move to file first?

[blndsid]

Here's my background thread: Wife in denied but ongoing affair. What to do?

Short story, W was found to be having A first of September, 2014. She said she'd been unhappy for a while, that I didn't help or spend time with the kids enough, and that I quit my job last year without regard to her lifestyle or her feelings about it. All explained in the linked story of doom above. Have been working 180's, detach, and GAL.

I have called her out on the A three times now. Every time she says she has ended it, but instead just changes her way of communicating. She just gets more and more bitter/angry/spiteful the more times I confront her that it is continuing. Last Thursday I drew the line and said I knew it was ongoing, that it was disrespectful to me and the family, and that I would not live in an open marriage. That I didn't want a divorce, and I'd work on myself and anything else to avoid it, but I was not afraid of it like I was 6 weeks ago.

Again she said she ended it that night, then went out on Friday night and sent dozens of texts to OM1 and another OM, known as OM2. Later she admitted she was sending the most awful texts she could hoping I was reading them (I wasn't), and hoping they hurt me. Based on the timing of the texts, either her phone battery died, or she met up with OM2 that night/morning.

Apparently over the weekend she read some texts between me and my best man, who lives safely out of the country. She brought several of them up this Monday in some angry e-mails and said she could read texts too. I never changed my phone security because I felt I have nothing to hide. She's just reading our texts and doesn't like that we brainstorm to figure out my sitch.

It was during this e-mail exchange on Monday that she called and made an appointment to visit an ATTY. Funny enough I did too, but changed my mind after talking to her on Monday afternoon. After I saw her email to OM saying she'd made the appointment, I told her I made an appointment but cancelled it. She didn't admit to her appointment, but told me maybe I should go and see what I could learn.

I talked to a couple friends and they said if she's actually going, then her ATTY will push her to file first considering her weak case. I rescheduled my appointment and went this morning. Imagine that, my ATTY said I should file first and gave very good reasons why. I followed that meeting with a visit with pastor. Then called several friends who know the sitch and asked their thoughts.

My boys will understand my decision when they get older, without a doubt. It's just, I made a promise to my W and boys that I would stay married to W through the hard times, and good. It really hasn't been that long to see how it plays out, but I don't want to look weak or be at a disadvantage should W be gung ho to move ahead.


The end of the book touches on it, but makes it really a personal choice. My question and reason for a new thread, according to DB principals, is there a right or wrong time to file for D? Should I wait being afraid it might push her into the D or cause her to blame the D on me, since I filed first? What are all the DB'ers experiences when it came time to file for D and how did that work with the DB methods?