I sent the bday email, as I said I would. Made it light and friendly, didn't ask any questions or put in anything that *needed* a reply. I gave a very basic update on what I've been doing, simply because this is the only way I can show that I am GALing. I gave subtle hints at social activities, but didn't explain anything in detail.
Of course he hasn't replied. That angers me, simply because I think if someone says happy bday, you say thank you. You don't wait three weeks because if you email too soon they'll think you want them back. It almost amuses me that he still thinks I'm SO desperate to have him back that he has to hold out. I am very much over the game play. I want the "thank you" email NOW so I can go back to NC and stop being so anxious. After all that time of NC, it made me realise how anxious I am when we are not-NC.
With that said, I have hit a rough patch emotionally. I had some sort of seizure/lapse of consciousness on Sunday, which I've never hard and was hugely scary. Had blood tests, waiting on results. All of this, alone. Days like these make me realise how alone I am.
And this coming weekend it will be one year since BD. It feels surreal. I don't even know what my feelings for H are right now. I just know that I'm sick of thinking about it. And trust me, I try very hard to distract myself.. but sometimes the feelings just pop up when you least expect them to. I look forward to the day that they fade slowly away..
