FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Still feeling good

I have had some days without the children and it has been great. I have had time with NW, friends and neighbors. I miss the children but I am getting so much better at this single parenting.

I have told friends about NW so I guess it is official now!
I feel like being in between. I do not want XW back but I still think about her and the past rather often – that makes me wonder if I am ready for a new serious and long term R. I do not want to wonder about this but I guess that all the knowledge I have gained makes this natural. I dissect the R/interactions with NW, evaluate, state my opinions, talks about my needs, ask about hers, I do not jump in to fix her issues and so on. The more I get to know her the better I think of her. She actually understands many of the views I have have learned DBing. She has been on her own journey and has learned much of the same but from a different angle.

XW and I do not communicate that much. It seems like XW have increased a bit and she is informing a bit more about what she and the Ds are doing. That is nice. All communication is nice and pleasant. I feel nothing towards her and that is actually awkward I some funny way. I wish her only good and hope that she is doing fine – just as I do with almost any person around me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at shrink and I look forward to that. I will talk about NW and the feeling of not being ready and then I will talk about the children -how to guard them from further hurt and how to implement NW the best way possible.
Ds came home today and that is so great. They asked about NW and if she would come visit us today. They looked disappointed when I said no and had to tell them that she wouldn’t for some days because she is out of town with her mom.

1. Interesting what you wrote about you XW stating it to be time for her to put the pain and the hurt behind her. Does that therefore indicate that she has been in that state for about the last two+ years (as I am rather sure she must have had many months before BD of pain and hurt)?

As I interpreted XW she was (at this point) only talking about the time after BD. She has been sad and she has been hurting and my guess(mindreading) is that she still is and that she is wondering WTF happened to him(me). I believe this remark was only about this.
She hasn’t reached happiness yet and she wants to.
This is my words and mindreading but I believe it is how it is. Lot’s of WAWs expect to find happiness after they leave but they don’t. XW haven’t (as I see it) put in the effort and the work to turn things around for herself….maybe she will or maybe she wont…IDK
She was unhappy prior to BD and I believe for a long time (years). Looking back from where I am today – I was unhappy to!

2. Was there ever an (more permanent than just possible one night stands) OM/OP with your XW that you know/knew of, as I can not recall from your full thread?

None that I know of. In fact I believe she hasn’t even had a one night so far. When I told her about NW she said that she hadn’t even looked at anybody yet – and I have no reason not to believe her.
She didn’t leave me to be with another man – she left me to avoid being with me
(And now I am the kind of man she wants to be with (hers and friends words combined with some mindreading) – that might also cause some understandable hurt and anger within her)