Newcomer With Hope

[MrBond]

"May I ask, were you always able to phrase things like that…and if not, how did you train yourself? "

There's no such thing as a stupid question. What's stupid is not asking the question in the first place. In my situation (and many others with the WAS), my W had shut down and didn't want to talk about anything. Whenever she did, it was always in anger.

It was a cheeseless tunnel. So I started thinking about what I could do differently. I figured that rather than talking with her, I would just communicate with her in a different way. I listened to posters like 25yrsmlc and sandi2 who took me to the woodshed more than once when I did the wrong thing. I listened to advice that I didn't personally agree with and tried to understand. I read books on communication and how to work on your marriage without talking about it. I read books on how to read body language like the CIA. And I read and tried to learn everything I could about women.

I started testing out what I learned. When we talked and it started to escalate into an argument, I slowed things down. I watched how her body responded. I validated and if I saw that she disagreed with what I said through her body language, I would quickly shift gears and reword what I said until I could see her body start getting less tense. Eventually her arms would stop crossing and she started to slowly pay attention to what I was saying. And likewise I showed her the proper body language that showed her that I was listening.

It took months of this but it improved things dramatically. Just do what works and NEVER EVER dismiss the advice given to you even though you disagree. There is no right or wrong answer.