Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

Is there a healthy amount of checking up on her I can do to confirm if the affair is still ongoing? Or am I just hurting myself by not fully detaching emotionally? I feel like I know the answer, and I need to get out of the way so God can work, whatever his will is, but I am struggling with letting go. Any wise words?

What would you do differently if the affair was still going on, vs. if it weren't?

I think this is a good differentiation Starsky. I may be asking the wrong question.

I've been focused on whether the affair is still going on although my real concern is whether my wife has recommitted to our marriage or not. Thinking out loud here... She could choose to recommit and backslide, which would be painful but possible to survive, although me watching too closely might place too much pressure on her and wreck our progress. Or she might not recommit and not continue the affair, and by me watching her every move closely, I could misinterpret that behavior as a commitment to our marriage mistakenly. These seem like good reasons to stop spying. A big piece of me still feels betrayed and wants to continue watching her every move out of self defense.

To answer the question, I don't think I would do anything differently if the affair was continuing. I am working on detaching and GAL every day and that would need to continue if the affair is ongoing. I am starting to see the positive affects GAL will have if we do reconcile. Detaching seems to be helping me let go of control of her, and is giving me more dignity.

I feel like I'm at a point where I'm still holding onto what we had before the affair, even though I know that relationship died when she gave into the temptation of the affair. I am remorseful that I failed to listen to her before the affair happened. This has really opened my eyes up to what kind of husband I've been.